1. moved into our new apartment.
2. got a job at starbucks.
3. loving life.
It's officially the second day of summer and I'm lounging around at Walter's house eating frozen yogurt and reflecting on life. It's been close to two months since I arrived in Toronto and I think it's a good time to write, something I haven't had the chance to do quite as often as I used to. The transition to Toronto was amazingly smooth. Everything fell into place so perfectly and God's favor has been thoroughly evident throughout this whole process.
The course I'm doing is great. I'm really liking my classes and the sense that I'm doing what I want to do and what I'm meant to do is very much present. I'm learning a lot--about myself, about social service work, about life, etc. I love that I'm finally doing something and going somewhere with my life.
Staying at Walter's house was good to start with, but moving out has been part of the plan from the beginning. And so, Christine and I found a really great basement apartment right in the heart of Toronto downtown. Furnishing our new place has definitely been an adventure in and of itself. We found some great (and cheap) secondhand pieces and we rented a Uhaul a couple of times to transport our purchases across the city (yes, I drove it). Did I mention how much I love not depending on anyone else?
The job hunt is still on. But with how things have been working out, I'm not too worried about it. This morning, I had an interview with Beatrice House run by the YWCA which went really well and I'm happy to say that my placement (which is part of the program) is figured out. Thank you Jesus! Now I can devote all my time to looking for a paying job.
I love the city. I love independence. I love that I can make my own decisions. I love being away from everybody and everything and all the stress of trying to meet everyone's expectations. I love just living and being me and enjoying life. I love that I don't have to let anyone know where I am or tell anyone when I'll be home or ask for permission to do anything.
The last thing that needs to fall into place (other than a job) is that we need to find a good church. But I'll leave that to God, just like everything else.
Anyways, having said all of that, let me end by saying: I love life and this season I'm in! And truly, my God is faithful!
today would be a good day for the world to end, or for me to end in the world. don't want to face any more tomorrows.
just to clarify... i'm not suicidal. i'm scared shitless of going to hell. but doesn't life sometimes just become a grossly tedious affair?
it's all about who you know and what you have and how much you're worth and this constant struggle to "make it". whatever happened to simplicity. i wish stuff wasn't so damn complicated. ignorance isn't bliss and knowledge isn't power and no amount of money will ever be enough.
let's just say fml and call it a day yah?
1. have a second blog. www.onedesi.wordpress.com
2. got twitter. username: onedesi
3. am leaving for toronto on april 30
4. school starts may 4
5. my God is faithful!
well...anyways...after all, i guess it's just a movie and maybe i should put my annoyances aside. knowing me, though, i don't think that's possible...
2. started another study last week on "sharing Jesus without fear" which runs for four weeks. it has been convicting, reminding me of my purpose on the planet.
3. my brother did it first. my sister planned it out ahead of time. and me? late like always. well, i'm finally at that point where i know i have to do it. i've hesitated in the past, afraid of hurting people. but the truth is, the longer the i stay, the more i get hurt. i have to get out. disengage from this family and start my own family...even if it's a family of one (in fact, i'd prefer it). it will be difficult and people will be hurt and a struggle is to be expected. but this is it.So I always thought that family would be the people who were going to be there for you always, stick by you through thick and thin, wrestle through the difficult times, laugh through the joyful times, love you for who you are, and generally just be a support even when no one else in this world thinks you're worth supporting. This too, along with many other such notions that I conjured up in childhood, is mistaken. I never realized that family will only love and support in so far as you follow their prescribed plan and method of doing life. Why did it take me this long to find out? Because it took me this long to finally want to do my own thing. It's misleading when they say they love you, when they tell you that they trust you, when they urge you follow your dreams which in reality are their dreams. If you're lucky, your dreams will be similar to what they want for you. Otherwise, you've got a tough and lonely road ahead of you. The very people who love you to death can disown you in their next breath, so don't depend on anyone. And I say that in all seriousness without any exaggeration. It's one thing to say "Beni, we don't like the decision you're making, but we're here for you no matter what you choose." At least I can appreciate that. But saying "Beni, we don't like the decision you're making and therefore we deem you incapable of making decisions" is hurtful. I know you want to clip my wings so that I don't fly away, but they'll grow back, even if it takes months or years. And maybe I've lost my confidence and drive for now, but I'll regain it eventually in some measure. And one beautiful day, this handicapped bird will take flight, even if it means flying alone.
But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
Take note: eagles fly alone.
The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
It is not good for man to be alone.
Growing up, I'd hear over and over again about the blessings of obedience. From Exodus to Proverbs to Ephesians, we are commanded to obey. And if we obey the command, we are promised a blessing. Now, I'm not attempting to play devil's advocate, I'm only writing from my own experience. I was a kid not that long ago, doing my best to obey, hoping for a blessed life and to win the favor of God, the trust of my family, and the approval of others. But, I have to admit that I was an ignorant fool. And just in case there are others like me out there reading this, let me take a moment to warn you, not about the blessing, but about the curse of obedience.
The things I expected and mentioned above never took shape. The favor of God? God grants favor to whom He choses. You don't have to be perfect to recieve it. Lots of disobedient people have lived with the favor and blessing of God upon their life and they usually have a really awesome testimony to go with it. The trust of family? This is a myth. Such a thing will never happen. Trust itself is a myth unless we're talking about trusting the Lord. People, especially your family, will always fail you. And even if they say they trust you, I guarantee you, just do one thing they disapprove of (and I didn't say "wrong" thing, just something they don't like) and that so-called trust will fly right out the window. The approval of others? Seriously, don't bother. Ever seen a house of cards? Ever built a sand castle too close to the water? Don't build your house on the sand they say. Trying to win the approval of others is building your house on sand. First of all, it's useless. And second, it doesn't last.
Now, you may say, "You aren't supposed to obey just to get God's favor or family's trust or people's approval; but you'll still have that blessing that it promises..." Let me tell you about that blessing, or what I would call the curse of obedience, and you can decide whether or not you still want it. Let me preface this by saying that I'm not at the end of my life so I don't claim to be an authority on the matter and I guess it also depends on what kind of parents you have but once again, allow me to write from my experience.
First, when you're good all the time, people expect you to be perfect and you're held to a higher standard that your peers. Expectations are piled on top of you until you can't even take a breath to save your life. Remember that house of cards? There's always something that you have yet to do. And one wrong move can topple the whole thing over. You have to be a bright kid, then you have to get good grades, then you have to get involved in extracurriculars and excel at them, then you have to study hard in high school so you can get into a good university, then you have to pick a major with clout, then you have to do well in university so you can either go on to grad school or get a decent job, then you have to get married, then you have to have children. And when you can't meet those expectations, it really kills your confidence. For me, there were only one or two things I've ever really wanted in life and people always said, "Well, Beni, don't worry, once you do such-and-such, then no one will stop you from doing what you want." Only problem is, the such-and-such keeps reinventing itself and you're never free from that obligation.
Second, you find yourself isolated in most social situations. You won't find a whole lot of friends like you, the ones who stick to the rules. So you'll often be misunderstood even when you mean well. And if your parents are super strict, it's worse. You can't laugh at all the inside jokes because maybe you weren't allowed to hang with that crowd. You weren't allowed to see that tv show so it's difficult to enter into a conversation. Media is a huge social conditioning agent and when you're missing huge chunks of social markers that define your generation, it's difficult to relate. A social network is a support system. You build relationships by spending time with people and being able to connect at their level. And when making that connection becomes difficult or impossible, or if you aren't allowed to make that connection, life itself becomes hard.
Third, parents find it increasingly difficult to let you go. They've sheltered you for so long that putting you out into the world becomes more and more worrisome. It was hard for my parents to let me take the bus to school or go to a friend's house or choose how I dressed or wore my hair, but I obeyed and let them have their way. But now, with the big things in life, it's all the more difficult for them to let me go because I never helped them out along the way by disobeying and bursting the bubble of perfection. It's heartbreaking because I remember talking to other kids my age when they told me of their escapades, I'd always say "Well, I'm being obedient now so that later on, I know they'll trust me enough to let me make my own decisions." I know now what a load of bull that statement was.
Fourth, you just miss out on life, on being a kid, or being a teenager, on having those experiences that mature you and push you into adulthood. You never get to make those mistakes. You never really discover who you are and what you're made of because you're busy being what others (i.e. your family) think you should be. You're always worried about being good enough but no one is ever good enough, so in reality, you're grasping at shadows, trying to reach something unattainable. And every small failure, though it may be nothing, can be a huge blow to your confidence. When life is supposed to be carefree, you're carrying a heavy load. When you're supposed to be having fun, you're worried about getting dirty. You hold back out of fear and obligation and those moments eventually turn to hours, the hours turn to days, the days into months and years, and before you know it, your childhood is behind you and you realize you missed out on everything. And even if you did just throw caution aside for one short moment and do something personally fulfilling, the knowledge that you disobeyed sucks the enjoyment out of what should have been enjoyable.
See, growing up is for discovering yourself and the world around you, pushing the limits, experimenting. Don't make the mistake of trying to be obedient all the time. You can always ask for forgiveness, but permission is hard to get. Time is ticking and childhood is over before you know it. So don't waste it trying to be perfect. Make friends who are different from you. Go out on a limb and try something new. Stay out late and relish the moment. Sure you might get in trouble, but that's what being a kid is all about. It's not such a bad thing, embrace it. At least then, you'll have no regrets, no what-if's, and you won't have to feel like you missed out. In addition, it prepares your folks to loosen the reins and finally let you go when the time comes. Best of all, people don't expect so much out of you because you've already shattered their expectations. Then you're free to live, to make mistakes, to figure stuff out for yourself. That's true living.
It's been said before and I really think it's true: Rules are just guidelines, they're simply there to remind you to stay within reason. They're not absolute and the people who make them know that. For instance, if the speed limit is 25mph, nobody actually drives at 25mph. Sure they know that the rule is 25mph, but everybody will drive over the limit. And the cops don't pull you over the moment you hit 26mph. They stop you when they think you're getting dangerous. God doesn't expect us to be perfect. He knows that we're human and not god. He knows that we'll mess up sometimes and learn from those mess-ups. But you have to let the mess-ups happen before you can learn from them.
1. anisha made me get a club penguin account.
2. work is pleasant.
3. gained 10lbs since coming back from india.
4. who do i trust when everyone has a different story?
5. really need to update my wardrobe.
6. love watermelon but i don't like anything watermelon flavored.
7. apart from playing on wednesdays, haven't practiced guitar much.
8. finally find a hairstylist i like in atlanta and i'm leaving soon.
9. mom got facebook.
10. (still) in love.
11. it's tornado season around these parts.
12. cannot believe i'm actually going back to school.
13. whatever will be will be.
I think recently I've taken the easy way out to make people happy with me and I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. Mainly because I made the decision out of fear. My feelings haven't changed.
"beloved, let us love one another..." 1 john 4:7
"when i found the one my heart loves. i held him and would not let him go..." song of solomon 3:4
"love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 corinthians 13:7
1. i almost got this job for four hours a week helping a lady with her laundry and ironing. i have no problem with doing such a job cuz i could really use the money. but mom says no. whether or not you agree with her, the point is that it was a few hours of honest labor for a few bucks. and even that is not allowed for me. "find a better job" they say. i'll tell you what i'm finding-- frustration.... everywhere i turn.
2. you asked me not to talk? fine. not to email? fine. not to chat? fine. not to have any communication? fine. but, not to hope? not to remember? not to feel? tell me, should i cut out my heart and bury it in the ground? or maybe i should just bury all of me? go ahead, tell me what to do. but don't tell me how to feel. because i can't do anything about the way i feel. it is what it is.
3. had a doctor's appointment today. talked to her about some stuff going on with my body for the last several years. at the end of everything, she asks me, "are you an anxious person?" i laughed when she asked. but it's true.
4. i know the value of education but i've come to despise the fact that i have a degree because it puts me in a certain category or class. which would be fine except that everyone seems to want to box me in. i didn't get an education so i could be better than somebody else or think more highly of myself. i got an education simply to get a education, to learn. and of course, because my parents made it a requirement if i was to ever leave and go for missions.
5. unfortunately, a new condition has been added, which is that if i want to go back, i can only go back with a husband, which i find completely unreasonable. the original agreement with my parents was that i finish my education and get a degree before launching into unknown territory. so it's rather unfair to spring this on me now. you may think me disobedient but i refuse. and thankfully, having realized the kind of person i'd choose to marry, they've decided it's probably better if i don't get married. except now the going back to india is kinda in jeopardy.
6. that burial idea sounds pretty good. if only suicide didn't promise hell.
7. God? i could really use a hand....
okay, this is crazy! i wasn't trying to decieve anyone. as mentioned before, the separation wasn't absolute and words were exchanged when circumstances came up. i'm really frustrated with all of you expecting so much of me. and the stuff people are saying really hurts. i can't be what you want. it was never meant to be a total break to pray and see whether or not this is what i wanted. i already know that it is. it was just a short hold off to satisfy the ones who thought that a separation would make me forget. doesn't mean i wasn't praying. but you know what, if you all are right, if i am wrong, if God isn't in this, then where does that leave me? if my prayers mean nothing, if my desires are naive, and if there's always something wrong with the decisions i make...then what's the point of going on? i'm not of any use to anybody--not this world, and definitely not to God (if He's real, that is). maybe i'm just fooling myself. i mean really...what insane person wants to give up everything and struggle through life? who the hell is crazy enough to see potential in an impossibility? and what kind of loser would want to work at a job that is overly risky and underappreciated? oh right, that would be me, the lunatic. just call me dumbass. the world would be a better place without fools like me. allow me to relieve you of my presence.
2. february is upon us. and march will soon be here. and i will finally be cured from lack of... sunshine.
3. have to admit, so far, it's really just been dilly-dallying and dragging my feet and going about this with kind of the wrong attitude. that's going to change.
4. what do you do when you can't do anything?
5. thought from today's devotion: satan can't win and you can't lose.
6. another thought from today's devotion: God never takes His eyes off of us or off the clock ticking over us.
7. "if we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself." 2 timothy 2:13 ...i've been pretty faithless lately. thank God He doesn't give up on me.
UPDATE: it's evening of day 4. met with another bump in the road. it was a bump that reminded me that i will soon come to fork in the road and will have to make a decision. i'm torn.
Lord, i need to know. show me. i want Your perfect will. nothing more. nothing less. nothing else. just Your will. and please make it obvious. i humbly ask in the name of Jesus. amen.