Quick Update

1. moved into our new apartment.

2. got a job at starbucks.

3. loving life.

Happy

It's officially the second day of summer and I'm lounging around at Walter's house eating frozen yogurt and reflecting on life. It's been close to two months since I arrived in Toronto and I think it's a good time to write, something I haven't had the chance to do quite as often as I used to. The transition to Toronto was amazingly smooth. Everything fell into place so perfectly and God's favor has been thoroughly evident throughout this whole process.

The course I'm doing is great. I'm really liking my classes and the sense that I'm doing what I want to do and what I'm meant to do is very much present. I'm learning a lot--about myself, about social service work, about life, etc. I love that I'm finally doing something and going somewhere with my life.

Staying at Walter's house was good to start with, but moving out has been part of the plan from the beginning. And so, Christine and I found a really great basement apartment right in the heart of Toronto downtown. Furnishing our new place has definitely been an adventure in and of itself. We found some great (and cheap) secondhand pieces and we rented a Uhaul a couple of times to transport our purchases across the city (yes, I drove it). Did I mention how much I love not depending on anyone else?

The job hunt is still on. But with how things have been working out, I'm not too worried about it. This morning, I had an interview with Beatrice House run by the YWCA which went really well and I'm happy to say that my placement (which is part of the program) is figured out. Thank you Jesus! Now I can devote all my time to looking for a paying job.

I love the city. I love independence. I love that I can make my own decisions. I love being away from everybody and everything and all the stress of trying to meet everyone's expectations. I love just living and being me and enjoying life. I love that I don't have to let anyone know where I am or tell anyone when I'll be home or ask for permission to do anything.

The last thing that needs to fall into place (other than a job) is that we need to find a good church. But I'll leave that to God, just like everything else.

Anyways, having said all of that, let me end by saying: I love life and this season I'm in! And truly, my God is faithful!

It's a GIRL!!!

It's June 18th. My little sister's 18th birthday. I remember when my mom was pregnant with her and I'd pray everyday that God would make the baby a girl. When my mom went to the hospital that morning, I was still wishing for a little sister. And finally the news came that the baby was a girl and I remember being so happy and didn't have anyone to rejoice with so I was jumping up and down in front of the mirror pretty much going insane over the fact that God had blessed me with a baby sister. But yeah, my little baby sister is now all grown up and going away to college. So I just wanted to take a moment to say that...

Niki, you are a blessing and I wish you all the best as you go out "into the world." Always remember who you are and live up to those standards and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Love you loads! Happy birthday and have a blessed year ahead.

Beni

Make It Stop

today would be a good day for the world to end, or for me to end in the world. don't want to face any more tomorrows.

just to clarify... i'm not suicidal. i'm scared shitless of going to hell. but doesn't life sometimes just become a grossly tedious affair?

it's all about who you know and what you have and how much you're worth and this constant struggle to "make it". whatever happened to simplicity. i wish stuff wasn't so damn complicated. ignorance isn't bliss and knowledge isn't power and no amount of money will ever be enough.

let's just say fml and call it a day yah?

Plans, Etc.

By this time next year, I would like to...

1. be able to support myself
2. complete the social service worker diploma program
3. obtain my life skills coach (training) certification
4. apply for jobs in the field of social work
5. apply to master's in social work programs
6. having done 4 and 5, wait for God to point me in the right direction
7. keep praying for india

Please Listen

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem, you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don't talk or do - just hear me.
Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get
you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham
in the same newspaper.

And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can
and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact
that I feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational,
then I can stop trying to convince
you and get about this business
of understanding what's behind
this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are
obvious and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
we understand what's behind them.

Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes,
for some people - because God is mute,
and he doesn't give advice
or try to fix things.
God just listens and lets you work
it out for yourself.

So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn - and I will listen to you.

-Author Unknown

Head in the Clouds

It’s a beautiful day on the east coast. The clouds are a beautiful bright cottony white just outside the window. Makes you want to fall into them and party with the angels. I’m on a US Airways flight somewhere in the skies between Charlotte and Toronto and my thoughts are about as scattered as the clouds I mentioned a couple seconds ago.

Toronto. A new beginning. A fresh start. A second chance—maybe not so much. Maybe I’m getting a little carried away. It’s definitely another chapter in my life, a new season, a step forward—okay getting carried away again. I’ll admit—saying goodbye wasn’t easy but I know this is something I have to do. It’s also overwhelming. I mean, this is me, finally moving out on my own! I’ve got such a tight grip on courage I fear I might choke it completely. When all else fails—and even before all else fails—God is faithful and His strength is mine. So I’m not going to be a wimp.

The flight attendants are coming through with drinks. Hmm…Sprite? Sprite it is.

On the flight from Atlanta to Charlotte, I had my phone on and I was taking pictures of the sky, the landing strip, the clouds. And the guy sitting behind me starts shouting at me. I didn’t realize it was me he was shouting at so he starts shaking my chair. No joke. He actually leaned over and started jerking it around. I was so startled and actually quite pissed off. He’s like, “Turn off your cell phone!” I smiled my best smile and replied, “You should probably calm down.” He’s still scolding, “You want to crash the plane and get us all killed?” More muttering, then he turns to his girlfriend (or wife?) and in a voice loud enough that I could still hear, he says “Retard!” Then he apologizes to the girl sitting next to him for yelling at me. Yeah! Nut job. First of all, my phone is on flight mode. Second, I don’t think he’d even consider doing that if I was a white girl. Third, it was just plain rude. Anyway, it’s such a beautiful morning up here in the clouds, I don’t want to spend my time being pissed off about all the losers that come my way.

My Sprite is still sitting here. Don’t really feel like drinking it.

So all in all, my trip has been pleasant. Both flights, I got to sit alone with no one beside me—made my day. No small talk. No strange smells. No bumping elbows. It was perfect. Sitting in solitude listening to the conversations taking place around me is almost therapeutic. The guy behind me apparently lived in New Delhi for ten years and Hong Kong for some period of time and now he lives in Canada; he also works on yachts for a living and makes frequent trips to Florida. The guy he’s been conversing with found tickets to Jamaica for $2 on Spirit Airline (plus taxes and fees obviously)—and no, I didn’t hear that wrong. The couple in the row across from me seems to be very much in love. And the two men in front have been chitchatting like two women this whole time. So yes, all is well in my world. There’s only one person I wish I could share this moment with but unfortunately it wouldn’t be allowed. Then again, if they were here with me, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this deliciously entertaining essay on time pass.

It seems we’re nearing Toronto. And I’ve been instructed to turn off my laptop.

Until next time,

Benita

Update

1. have a second blog. www.onedesi.wordpress.com

2. got twitter. username: onedesi

3. am leaving for toronto on april 30

4. school starts may 4

5. my God is faithful!

25

1. tuesday was my not very anticipated birthday. woke up to breakfast in bed courtesy of niki and mom, and went out to dinner with mom, niki, anisha and nitisha. after dinner, the girls slept over and we stayed up talking until 6am. had a heart to heart with niki which was good. in addition, it was probably the first time nitisha and i sat down and had a conversation. anisha and i had fun like always. i woke up with her sleeping next to me on my single bed.

2. i don't feel 25, i don't act 25, and i certainly don't look 25, but here i am 25 years old and it just doesn't feel real. sometimes i wish i could just change the date on my birth certificate. apart from the disturbing reality that my age doesn't fit my life, i was also feeling pretty low...i wasn't where i wanted to be, who i wanted to be, and with who i wanted to be with.

3. last year around this time i was in goa hanging out with the girls and boys. it was during this time that i made several life altering decisions including that i wanted to move to india and live and work there longterm. that arranged marriages just weren't going to be my cup of tea. that my being able to adjust to life over there was God's confirmation that He really had called me and it wasn't my imagination. and the ways in which He provided for me strengthened my faith to know that my life was in His hands and that He wouldn't let me fall.

4. in my opinion, i've also matured a lot this year, made several deep rooted realizations that influenced the decisions i made, including the ones mentioned above. it was a period of letting go of preconceived notions and constantly feeling the need to humble myself. i added the 'in my opinion' earlier because every step that i thought i was taking forward, everyone else saw as a step backward. and even though it feels right now like the dream that i was fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of, has faded into the background, i believe that God is still at work and i still hope.

Random Ranting

this is unfinished, unedited, and relatively incoherent...but whatever, read it if you want to...otherwise, occupy yourself elsewhere...

okay, to all the die hard slumdog fans out there--sorry. but i keep thinking about this movie and all the critical acclaim it has received and somehow i just can't seem to process. i think that this movie makes the situation seem a lot less complicated than it really is and there's something disconnected about it. and i'm not complaining that it paints an unreal picture of mumbai, because many people do live at that level of poverty, if not worse. and to indians complaining that it sheds a bad light on india by painting it as a third world country, i say--tough! take it as incentive to address the problem rather than ignoring what is. but the ending of the movie is unrealistic. there is a very obvious disconnect between the younger versions of jamal malik and the older jamal who goes on millionaire. that sort of transition is a lot to swallow. the confidence, security, calm and composure he displays is usually the result of experiences he couldn't possibly have had. i'm not suggesting that kids who grew up in slums cannot get ahead in life, i'm just saying that it takes a lot of work, usually an amount bordering on supernatural, to bring about that kind of turnaround in one's life. and people who don't fully understand the reality and nuances of the situation try to fix it in ways that may be more damaging in the long run. massive fundraising campaigns have taken place as a result of this movie. and the problem that arises is that westerners will continue to think that throwing money at the problem will fix it. then they can feel good about themselves because they've "done their part". and indians turn a blind eye because they know that the job is far too overwhelming, then they feel indignant that westerners make such a big deal about it. the movie touched american consciences because it's really an american dream kind of story where an underdog overcomes overwhelming odds to realize his dream. if the movie was set in america, i might be more inclined to believe it. instead, in this case, i would argue that this is opposite of how indians view the world in that your birth determines everything that matters in life from the kind of job one can hold to the kind of person one can marry. tradition overrules just about everything. i do think things are changing but it'll be a while. in addition, i keep wanting to ask the question: would this movie (as is) have received so many oscars had an indian directed it? then again, the india portrayed in the movie is the view of a outsider looking in rather than an indian telling the story. and if it were an indian telling the story, it would probably have been told in a very different way and maybe not garnered as much attention on the international scene. part of the reason it resonated, i think, was because what's his face told the story from the outsider's point of view and so outsiders can easily identify and sympathize. anyways, all those points aside, one final thought: if india is going to see change, it will have to start with indians, not westerners. yes, we thank them for bringing the gospel to india, but their bringing the gospel doesn't give them the monopoly on morality and ethics.

well...anyways...after all, i guess it's just a movie and maybe i should put my annoyances aside. knowing me, though, i don't think that's possible...

John 10:29-31

Jesus said, "Mark my words, no one who sacrifices house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, land—whatever—because of me and the Message will lose out. They'll get it all back, but multiplied many times in homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and land—but also in troubles. And then the bonus of eternal life! This is once again the Great Reversal: Many who are first will end up last, and the last first."

Slumdog Pissed

so I'm having this battle...on one hand, with society, and on the other,with myself. i just finished watching slumdog millionaire for the second time with my mom. each time i watch that movie, i get emotional, and if you know me, this doesn't generally happen. but it's not because the movie is great that i get emotional. the tears come when i think of those kids and the time i spent in mumbai and coming to terms with the reality that is their lives and how hopeless it is (from a natural point of view...of course i honestly believe that with Jesus, nothing is impossible). i read recently that a couple of the kids who played the main roles in the movie were back in the slums and it really pissed me off but i wasn't at all surprised. apparently that's been changed due to an international public outcry, but only time will tell how genuine of a change that really is. the point is--well actually i've got about a hundred points to make, but here's one to start--poverty is a mindset. giving them money and a roof over their head may be a start, but it's nowhere close to addressing the underlying issue. having spent time working with kids pulled out of a slum as well as working with kids living in the slums, it takes a far more than a few material goods to change a mindset and bring about success. i'd be interested in knowing, ten years from now, where those kids are. and not to be a pessimist, but the way things are, i doubt there's going to be a whole lot of change. when there is a whole lot of hype, everybody's wants to serve the cause and be a hero. when the hype dies out and it comes down to doing the difficult work, there's hardly a soul left standing. because real life isn't like the movies. real life is tough. and real life in the slums of india are tougher still. and real success doesn't happen overnight. real success takes blood, sweat and tears, and an investment on your part. and while many people are ready to work for their own success, not many will step up to work for another's success. and just as a sidenote, today i was watching the E! channel and found out that frieda pinto's clutch at the oscars cost some $6500. some of the other ladies' cluthes in the hundreds of thousands. now, i'm not saying that they're bad people or anything of the sort. but having looked into the faces of children begging for their next meal, i can't help but think about how many thousands of children could have been taken care of with that amount of money. another sidenote, i babysit two wonderful kids and everytime i go over there, i can't help but think to myself that these two kids have enough toys and gadgets in their possession to furnish an orphanage of fifty. once again, i'm not saying they're bad people. but it just breaks my heart to see it. but then that brings me to my next point, even if money were donated towards this cause, (and post-slumdog, a lot of people have donated towards the slum situation), will it really help or will the money get lost in overhead costs and bureaucracy? just today, i received a newsletter from one of the organizations i had a chance to work with. i've been looking forward to getting this newsletter for the last month or so and was so excited when the email arrived. but i went to the website to read it and was disappointed to find photos that could be three years old, if not more. they have one dated case study/success story about a girl i personally spent time with. it talks about how her life has been changed because of this organization and that she's doing wonderful and yadda yadda, when in reality, last i heard, she ran away. the pictures and stories paint this rosy picture of what doesn't exist and it brings in the dough. and i ask, where the hell is all the money going? and truth be told, it's the honest organizations that are making a real difference who don't get the largescale funding. and there are a hundred additional things i can sit here and complain about and get depressed over. the other side of the issue is the question of whether the methods used to address the problems of poverty and homelessness are actually effective or they're just offering a temporary solution. i mean, if you saw someone bleeding profusely, would you offer them a bandaid or two and hope for the best? of course not! maybe these organizations mean well, but you have to admit that something somewhere is seriously flawed. so anyways, i was discussing these things with mom and she goes into this spiel on how things won't change and how i could have been doing so much more if i were married and how people would respect me more if i had a respectable man in my life and how i'm being rebellious and that i'll end up like my great aunt who was a lot like me and now she's old and everybody thinks she's wasted her life. having said all of that, the other battle i'm having is with myself. i'm getting comfortable here and it scares me. i like my bed, my room, shopping, eating, and everything else. life in north america is luxury. and every day i wake up and it becomes harder and harder to think that one day i want to give it all up. i mean, do i really want to do this? but the truth is, i don't think i'll ever be truly happy living like this. and yet, do i have what it takes to tough it out when i've grown up with everything i could ever want? and let's face it, 'the best of both worlds' doesn't really exist when it comes to the stark realities of life. i honestly believe in identifying with the people whom God has called you to serve. Jesus didn't just proclaim the message from heaven, He came down to earth and became one of us.

you know what, there are a few things i've made up my mind about:

1. if people cannot respect me for the woman that God made me to be and can only respect me after i have a guy they prescribe in my life, screw it, i don't need such superficial 'respect'. i may be a woman, but God is God. He can use women, men, angels, donkeys, or even the weather to accomplish His purpose.

2. i don't want to depend on anybody or their money to do the work that God has called me to, by the grace of God, i'll work as hard as i possibly can and trust that the Lord will multiply my little to feed the multitudes. and whether i'm rich or poor, it is my aim to live a modest life. should God bless me, it will be a blessing to others.

3. i may not change the entire system in my lifetime, but each and every day that God gives me on this planet, i will do everything in my power to raise the standard as far as how christian organizations do social work. sometimes i think as christians we rely on feelgood rhetoric in place of real results, on using spirituality as a crutch to pretend that what we don't want to see doesn't exist, on 'i'll pray about it' when we should be saying 'let's do something about this'.

4. i will be who i am and i'll figure out this life on my own terms. i need to quit comparing myself to others and trying to step into someone else's shoes. i have to let myself be myself--the person God created me to be. controversial if that. radical if that. unconventional if that.

i have to start being the change i want to see.

Beautiful Feet

so the last couple weeks, i've been doing this study at church called "sharing Jesus without fear" and it has been really great. i needed it. i remember when i was younger, i was never afraid of anyone or anything. i was just as passionate as i am right now but with a whole lot less fear. somehow after high school and university and studying and realizing that life and the facts of it are much more complicated than i care to imagine, i've become a whole lot more quiet about my faith. or i'll rely on my knowledge or experience when i talk to people about Christ and not as much on the power of the Spirit, which is wrong. this study has really helped me to focus in on evangelism in the right way...using Scripture, keeping my mouth shut, and letting the Holy Spirit work. in a way, it has also been humbling. because so many times, we think that with everything we know, we can answer all their questions and whatnot, but really, salvation is a work of the Holy Spirit and not our ability to persuade. it also takes off a lot of the pressure that we put on ourselves. and to be completely honest, i've been so focused on missions and frustrated with having to come home that i haven't given a whole lot of thought or committment to evangelism. but God's reminding me that the Bible not only commands us to go and share the gospel, but to share the gospel as we go. these next couple years, as i will be studying, working, and whatever else comes my way, i pray that my first priority will be sharing the gospel with the people around me. and yes, one day i will go. but for now, i will be content to let the Lord use me however He will...to have beautiful feet not only after i get there, but to have beautiful feet even as i am going.

Unusually Affectionate

so niki's almost all ready for prom. we found the perfect dress on monday (better than the last dress we picked out). mom's making a couple alterations to make it cuter. hair and makeup appointments have been made. i gave her a complete manicure and pedicure today. why am i being so nice? cuz i'm always nice! no, not really. i'm being nice cuz i'm very proud of her. moving to atlanta in the middle of high school, changing four high schools, working hard to graduate with an international baccalaureate diploma, and being a generally good kid and maintaining her testimony through her teen years. and believe me, i've been on her case the whole time, usually even tougher than my mom. we've had many a yelling match, but it was worth it. and also because i have to miss her graduation cuz i'll be in toronto. i'll also have to miss ashish's graduation, unfortunately. they're both graduating a week apart from each other and i'm proud of both of them. i'm proud of ashish for stepping out and taking a risk and doing what he felt God wanted him to do even without everybody's approval. i don't say this often enough, but my siblings are pretty awesome. and i know that wherever life takes them, they'll do great things because they're great individuals and they serve a great God.

love you guys :)

beni (the bossy one)

Preparing to Disengage

1. the esther study ended after ten great weeks. i loved studying the book of esther. it was so perfect for my time and season in life. and beth moore was awesome.

2. started another study last week on "sharing Jesus without fear" which runs for four weeks. it has been convicting, reminding me of my purpose on the planet.

3. my brother did it first. my sister planned it out ahead of time. and me? late like always. well, i'm finally at that point where i know i have to do it. i've hesitated in the past, afraid of hurting people. but the truth is, the longer the i stay, the more i get hurt. i have to get out. disengage from this family and start my own family...even if it's a family of one (in fact, i'd prefer it). it will be difficult and people will be hurt and a struggle is to be expected. but this is it.

4. at least i know that i'll never be alone because my God is faithful.

To-Do List 2009

so i know it's not the time to be making new year's resolutions. but one chapter of my life is about to close and the next chapter is about to begin. so i think this is perfect junction to list a few things that i'd like to be working on over the next several months.

1. become financially independant. if not completely (because mom's paying tuition and fees), at least to a large degree (living, etc.). i've learned that the people who control your finances also control your life. so if i'm going to do my own thing, i've also got to pay my own way.

2. begin to establish a savings account. in the past, i've always saved up when there was something specific i was saving up for. but when no goal is in sight, i tend to be more liberal with my spending. and if there's anything i've learned, it is to have some money put away for a rainy day. so i have to start saving for nothing in particular, but just to save, so that when the road gets bumpy, i'll have something to fall back on.

3. find myself. i know i'm in here somewhere cuz feelings don't come out of nowhere but i've let myself get lost in the pretense of what folks expect me to be. i've had enough of playing at perfection. i just want to be me. crazy, foolish, determined...me.

4. get away. i'm hoping to be able to do this with toronto. to just live and not have to have my every move scrutinized. to let myself discover and experience without having to ask for permission. to not have to answer more questions about my life and what i'm doing or planning to do and when i'm getting married and whatever else they can think of.

5. stop feeling less than capable. i have to learn to expect a struggle and then teach myself to learn from that struggle rather than praying for smooth sailing. and when the road gets rough, remind myself that the Lord is on my side and He is faithful and strong enough even when i am unfaithful and weak.

Prom

for the last several weeks, we've been hunting for a decent prom dress for niki. and it has been a ridiculous affair! either it's not prom-ey enough or it doesn't fit right or it costs a fortune or her size isn't available or it looks hideous (we've seen everything from plucked chicken to vampire wear to bright barbie dresses). we did get a cute short party dress at a bargain a couple weeks ago but it's not really a "prom dress" but whatever, it looks good on her and she can have a good time in it so screw whatever prom fashion is. i've never regretted not attending my own prom. now i'm extra thankful. ball gowns are nice and all but you have to have this perfect figure to look good. either that or have it tailor made to suit you. her prom is this saturday and hair, make-up, nails, shoes, etc. are yet to be figured out. why do girls put themselves through this? well, i have to say, i'm proud of her for not letting all the craziness drag her down. there's no way i would've been able to handle the madness.

Doodling With Words

lying restless awake on this saturday night. too many thoughts in the pudding in my head. no room for sleep to make it's bed. from here to where i can hardly tell.

so i had this dream the other night. i was in mumbai. took a flight to the middle east and landed in this tiny airport with three pathetic airplanes. the flight went superfast and i didn't get anything to eat. but i got to ride in the cockpit of the airplane with the pilot. upon landing in the gulf, which looked surprisingly like mumbai, i bought myself tea and a bun. and asked the chai wala, "what place is this?" and he said, "this is taliban." i said, "this is taliban--how can that be?" and he said, "yes yes this is taliban!" from the looks of it, taliban was pretty small. there were only three houses and this chai shop where i was being enlightened.

weirdness aye?

All I'll Say

1. time doesn't heal that which isn't affected by time.

2. no one's an enemy.

3. i don't wish to rehash the recent events of my life or discuss any current leanings or feelings with anyone (so don't take it personally) but that includes you (so take it personally).

4. i'm not angry, just hurt.

5. i still love.

6. thank you all for your advice. i've learned plenty a hard lesson. if you feel like you need to furthur voice your opinion, i'll listen. don't ask for more.

7. bottom line: i don't want to talk about it.

Will Fly Again

So I always thought that family would be the people who were going to be there for you always, stick by you through thick and thin, wrestle through the difficult times, laugh through the joyful times, love you for who you are, and generally just be a support even when no one else in this world thinks you're worth supporting. This too, along with many other such notions that I conjured up in childhood, is mistaken. I never realized that family will only love and support in so far as you follow their prescribed plan and method of doing life. Why did it take me this long to find out? Because it took me this long to finally want to do my own thing. It's misleading when they say they love you, when they tell you that they trust you, when they urge you follow your dreams which in reality are their dreams. If you're lucky, your dreams will be similar to what they want for you. Otherwise, you've got a tough and lonely road ahead of you. The very people who love you to death can disown you in their next breath, so don't depend on anyone. And I say that in all seriousness without any exaggeration. It's one thing to say "Beni, we don't like the decision you're making, but we're here for you no matter what you choose." At least I can appreciate that. But saying "Beni, we don't like the decision you're making and therefore we deem you incapable of making decisions" is hurtful. I know you want to clip my wings so that I don't fly away, but they'll grow back, even if it takes months or years. And maybe I've lost my confidence and drive for now, but I'll regain it eventually in some measure. And one beautiful day, this handicapped bird will take flight, even if it means flying alone.

But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Take note: eagles fly alone.

Living

To live for the greatness of God is to live the great life.

...something from the Esther study a couple weeks ago.

Tying the Knot

What is the purpose of marriage? Ultimately the purpose of a marriage is to glorify God. But in a more temporal and personal sense, why should I choose to get married as opposed to remaining single? Because I need a man to take care of me? Bull. Because my family says I should? I'm sorry but I refuse. Because it's what people do? I'm not people. I'm me. Because it's provides security? My security is Christ. Because it's socially acceptable? Screw it. Because it's a beneficial social alliance? Maybe. But I could care less.

Abraham got Isaac a wife because God had promised that he would be a great nation so obviously Isaac had to marry at some point. Jacob fell in love with one, ended up with two, and proceeded to procreate as fast as he could. Joseph got a wife as a bonus with his position. David just kinda picked 'em up as he went along. Solomon went nuts. God told Hosea to choose a prostitute in order to make a statement. Noah had a wife though it doesn't tell us the circumstances of his marriage. Lot's wife wasn't very useful, except maybe for seasoning. The woman in the Song of Songs was desired by the king but conducting a love affair with her beloved shepherd. Aquila and Priscilla were the dynamic double team duo of the New Testment and they seemed more like work buddies rather than the traditional approach. Sure there are plenty of marriages in the Bible. Good ones, bad ones, failures and successes. But it still doesn't tell me why I should get married.

I think people get married depending on what they want or need in life. Some want a good looking spouse to ensure good looking kids. Some want a wealthy spouse to ensure financial security. Some want a spouse from a good family to ensure a lasting relationship. Some families push marriage to build a beneficial social alliance. Some just get married for the sake of getting married not really sure what to expect. And some just want the company. I'm not saying that these things are good or bad. I'm not making a judgement. I'm just trying to figure out where I stand (or fall) on the continuum of knot-tying.

I have to be honest here. I think people make marriage out to be something that it's not. And I'm not saying they don't mean well. Just that I disagree. Yes, marriage is important and marriage is for life. But so is getting a tattoo. Okay wait, I'm not attempting to belittle marriage. But I keep hearing about how marriage shouldn't be taken lightly. For heaven's sake, I know it shouldn't be taken lightly, but it also shouldn't be as burdensome as people often make it out to be. I mean, why the heck are there like eight hundred things to consider including social status, financial status, family background, spiritual level, education, job, the security they can offer, their height, their weight, their ethnic origin, denominational leanings, their citizenship, etc. What an exhaustive (and exhausting) list! Seriously, it makes me wonder why on earth God would institute something so incredibly complicated! And, maybe He didn't...

Maybe we're the ones making it all complicated and serious. Let us, for a moment, go back to Scripture:

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

I love this text. There is committment, love, sexuality, sensuality, exclusivity, acceptance, concern, companionship, etc. We find here all the concepts and ideas associated with marriage at the time of its institution. But why? Why does God even bother?

It is not good for man to be alone.

It's that simple. Why would I ever want to get married? Only if there was somebody out there that made life more worth living than if I was living it alone. God made Adam and God made Eve. When God brought Eve to Adam, I sure Adam's heart skipped a beat and he knew in an instant who the creature standing before him was. The Bible says nothing about whether she was taller or shorter or smarter or faster or richer. How did they know they were meant for each other? From the way Scripture makes it sound, I'd say perhaps it had a lot to do with that interesting little phenomenon we call...*drumroll please*...chemistry! Don't believe me? Just read the text again. I'm sure Adam was smitten the moment he laid eyes on her and I'm sure it was love at first sight for Eve. Imagine that, the first marriage initiated by chemistry. See, I really do believe that God knows what makes us feel good and He also knows what's good for us.

That's all I want to say about that for now.

The Curse of Obedience

Growing up, I'd hear over and over again about the blessings of obedience. From Exodus to Proverbs to Ephesians, we are commanded to obey. And if we obey the command, we are promised a blessing. Now, I'm not attempting to play devil's advocate, I'm only writing from my own experience. I was a kid not that long ago, doing my best to obey, hoping for a blessed life and to win the favor of God, the trust of my family, and the approval of others. But, I have to admit that I was an ignorant fool. And just in case there are others like me out there reading this, let me take a moment to warn you, not about the blessing, but about the curse of obedience.

The things I expected and mentioned above never took shape. The favor of God? God grants favor to whom He choses. You don't have to be perfect to recieve it. Lots of disobedient people have lived with the favor and blessing of God upon their life and they usually have a really awesome testimony to go with it. The trust of family? This is a myth. Such a thing will never happen. Trust itself is a myth unless we're talking about trusting the Lord. People, especially your family, will always fail you. And even if they say they trust you, I guarantee you, just do one thing they disapprove of (and I didn't say "wrong" thing, just something they don't like) and that so-called trust will fly right out the window. The approval of others? Seriously, don't bother. Ever seen a house of cards? Ever built a sand castle too close to the water? Don't build your house on the sand they say. Trying to win the approval of others is building your house on sand. First of all, it's useless. And second, it doesn't last.

Now, you may say, "You aren't supposed to obey just to get God's favor or family's trust or people's approval; but you'll still have that blessing that it promises..." Let me tell you about that blessing, or what I would call the curse of obedience, and you can decide whether or not you still want it. Let me preface this by saying that I'm not at the end of my life so I don't claim to be an authority on the matter and I guess it also depends on what kind of parents you have but once again, allow me to write from my experience.

First, when you're good all the time, people expect you to be perfect and you're held to a higher standard that your peers. Expectations are piled on top of you until you can't even take a breath to save your life. Remember that house of cards? There's always something that you have yet to do. And one wrong move can topple the whole thing over. You have to be a bright kid, then you have to get good grades, then you have to get involved in extracurriculars and excel at them, then you have to study hard in high school so you can get into a good university, then you have to pick a major with clout, then you have to do well in university so you can either go on to grad school or get a decent job, then you have to get married, then you have to have children. And when you can't meet those expectations, it really kills your confidence. For me, there were only one or two things I've ever really wanted in life and people always said, "Well, Beni, don't worry, once you do such-and-such, then no one will stop you from doing what you want." Only problem is, the such-and-such keeps reinventing itself and you're never free from that obligation.

Second, you find yourself isolated in most social situations. You won't find a whole lot of friends like you, the ones who stick to the rules. So you'll often be misunderstood even when you mean well. And if your parents are super strict, it's worse. You can't laugh at all the inside jokes because maybe you weren't allowed to hang with that crowd. You weren't allowed to see that tv show so it's difficult to enter into a conversation. Media is a huge social conditioning agent and when you're missing huge chunks of social markers that define your generation, it's difficult to relate. A social network is a support system. You build relationships by spending time with people and being able to connect at their level. And when making that connection becomes difficult or impossible, or if you aren't allowed to make that connection, life itself becomes hard.

Third, parents find it increasingly difficult to let you go. They've sheltered you for so long that putting you out into the world becomes more and more worrisome. It was hard for my parents to let me take the bus to school or go to a friend's house or choose how I dressed or wore my hair, but I obeyed and let them have their way. But now, with the big things in life, it's all the more difficult for them to let me go because I never helped them out along the way by disobeying and bursting the bubble of perfection. It's heartbreaking because I remember talking to other kids my age when they told me of their escapades, I'd always say "Well, I'm being obedient now so that later on, I know they'll trust me enough to let me make my own decisions." I know now what a load of bull that statement was.

Fourth, you just miss out on life, on being a kid, or being a teenager, on having those experiences that mature you and push you into adulthood. You never get to make those mistakes. You never really discover who you are and what you're made of because you're busy being what others (i.e. your family) think you should be. You're always worried about being good enough but no one is ever good enough, so in reality, you're grasping at shadows, trying to reach something unattainable. And every small failure, though it may be nothing, can be a huge blow to your confidence. When life is supposed to be carefree, you're carrying a heavy load. When you're supposed to be having fun, you're worried about getting dirty. You hold back out of fear and obligation and those moments eventually turn to hours, the hours turn to days, the days into months and years, and before you know it, your childhood is behind you and you realize you missed out on everything. And even if you did just throw caution aside for one short moment and do something personally fulfilling, the knowledge that you disobeyed sucks the enjoyment out of what should have been enjoyable.

See, growing up is for discovering yourself and the world around you, pushing the limits, experimenting. Don't make the mistake of trying to be obedient all the time. You can always ask for forgiveness, but permission is hard to get. Time is ticking and childhood is over before you know it. So don't waste it trying to be perfect. Make friends who are different from you. Go out on a limb and try something new. Stay out late and relish the moment. Sure you might get in trouble, but that's what being a kid is all about. It's not such a bad thing, embrace it. At least then, you'll have no regrets, no what-if's, and you won't have to feel like you missed out. In addition, it prepares your folks to loosen the reins and finally let you go when the time comes. Best of all, people don't expect so much out of you because you've already shattered their expectations. Then you're free to live, to make mistakes, to figure stuff out for yourself. That's true living.

It's been said before and I really think it's true: Rules are just guidelines, they're simply there to remind you to stay within reason. They're not absolute and the people who make them know that. For instance, if the speed limit is 25mph, nobody actually drives at 25mph. Sure they know that the rule is 25mph, but everybody will drive over the limit. And the cops don't pull you over the moment you hit 26mph. They stop you when they think you're getting dangerous. God doesn't expect us to be perfect. He knows that we're human and not god. He knows that we'll mess up sometimes and learn from those mess-ups. But you have to let the mess-ups happen before you can learn from them.

Amusements and Worries

1. so lately i've been amusing myself by playing card-jitsu on club penguin or biggest brain, word challenge, or geo challenge on facebook. amusement is a beautiful thing. and if i'm actually using my mind in the process, all the better.

2. i seriously need to exercise. no, not to lose weight, just to shape up after all my recent weight gain. but i've been lazy and i keep putting it off. maybe tomorrow?

3. found this bible reading plan on youversion.com which i've been following. it's pretty good cuz it takes you through the old testment once and the new testament twice in a year. and there are three different portions of manageable length so i've been able to keep up. it's cool cuz you can just go on the website and it links to the reading for that day and you can read it right on there and it takes maybe five or ten minutes.

4. there are some days i worry and fret over the move to toronto. am i ready to be by myself? will i be able to support myself? what if it ends up being a huge mistake? will i be able to adjust to not having the comforts of home? sure, i did have similar worries before i went to india but there was that feeling of "this is what God wants me to do" that overpowered all my fears and gave me strength to grit my teeth and make it work. toronto, on the other hand, is just a thing to do. not something i thought long and hard about and waited for years to make happen and i don't really have any clue whether it's what God wants, it's just what my mom said okay to. i know i have to be mature and take responsibility for my actions and pray about this stuff and not blame someone else if i'm not in the right place. but you know what, i tried the praying about it method and it didn't do me a whole lota good, only caused a whole bunch of sorrow and regret. so i'm gonna go with whatever mom's agreeing to at the moment. it's funny cuz it was just a passing remark i made to christine one day and i ended up actually looking into it just for the heck of it and now i'm almost there. crazy how life works. where's God in all this? maybe He's the invisible hand orchestrating all of it. i have no idea. i don't know what He does or doesn't want... i just pray that somehow, by His grace, with or without knowing it, i would be in His will and not wandering aimlessly, even though most of my life has felt like the latter.

Shopping, Time, etc.

1. spent five hours at the mall today, went into just about every decent clothing store and tried on a hundred things, and couldn't find even one article of clothing that made me happy. but i love shopping solo so i had a lovely time, even if it was vaguely depressing, considering i couldn't find anything i needed or even wanted for that matter.

2. it's tough being a woman who can balance passion with patience. so i pray Lord that You will help me to know when it's time, when it's time to wait, and when it's time to wait for someone else's timing. (that was something from last week's Esther study session.)

3. it's really annoying how i've been back in north america for the past several months, i've been sitting at home, doing absolutely nothing at all, and finally when i've got this toronto thing all planned out, all these other "opportunities" start sprouting up out of nowhere. i mean, where the heck were they all this time? and why is it always like this? as soon as i make a decision on one thing, somebody or the other has to come along with more suggestions or ideas for consideration. not that it's a bad thing. it's cool. i'll consider it. but why does everyone wait until i've figured stuff out to toss another idea into the picture? i thought only my mom did this. now it seems several others are out to confuse me as well!

4. okay, i'm ranting in #4 and it's not as horrible as i'm making it out to be. but i was a little bit irritated yesterday over it. i'm a bit of a one track mind sort of person. i have to focus on one thing and get it done before i even start to think about the next. otherwise everything goes topsy turvy in my brain. i get extremely frustrated and can't deal with it. and the more i try, the worse it gets. sometimes, i'll try to be intelligent and do two things at once--more often than not, either both will turn out to be failures, or at some point i'll have to give one up altogether in order to salvage the other. i admit it, i suck at multitasking!

5. while i'm reminiscing about my inadequacies, i guess i'll also mention that it takes me forever to make a decision. and i think that's also due to my one track mind. when choices are put before me, i can't weigh them all at once and decide. i have to put every one of my options and combinations of options through this ridiculous thought process one at a time--whether it's deciding what i'll have for lunch or what i'll do with my life.

Que Sera Sera

1. anisha made me get a club penguin account.

2. work is pleasant.

3. gained 10lbs since coming back from india.

4. who do i trust when everyone has a different story?

5. really need to update my wardrobe.

6. love watermelon but i don't like anything watermelon flavored.

7. apart from playing on wednesdays, haven't practiced guitar much.

8. finally find a hairstylist i like in atlanta and i'm leaving soon.

9. mom got facebook.

10. (still) in love.

11. it's tornado season around these parts.

12. cannot believe i'm actually going back to school.

13. whatever will be will be.

If...Then God...

This was an exercise from one of last week's lessons (from the Esther Study) that had to do with thinking through our greatest fears. I'm posting it because I don't want to forget. The "if" is our fear, the "then" is coming to terms with it in light of God's providence. After the "if" and before the "then", there will probably be plenty of heartbreak, sorrow, loss, hurt, distance and time...but after the struggle, there will be a "then" and not just a "then" but a "then God"...

If every person I love and count on fails me, then God will still be with me as He promised.

If I am confused and directionless, then God has a plan.

If I am broken beyond repair, then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me.

If I am in need and struggling to survive, then God is going to demonstrate His sufficiency to me.

If people misjudge me, then God knows my heart.

If people take advantage of me, then God will repay.

If I cannot be here for my family, then God will take care of them.

If somehow I miss God's plan for my life, then God will still love me.

If I perish, then God is still on His throne and all is not lost.

Speaks to Me

Little bits of good stuff from Beth Moore's Esther Bible Study I'm currently doing...

"When was the last time you had to risk losing face to try to save something more precious that pride?"

"Sometimes we fear that fighting for what is right will kill us. Then again, it occurs to us that to stand by and do nothing out of self-preservation is to be dead already."

"Beloved, in the times of greatest struggle when you make the Godward decision over convenience, earthly comfort, or carnal pleasure, you too have come to a critical moment in the fulfillment of your destiny. A defining moment."

"The most critical breakthrough of faith you and I could ever experience is to let God bring us to a place where we trust Him--period. We don't just trust Him to let us avoid what we fear most. We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us."

"Ironically, a person is never less aware of divine intervention than when he or she has been chosen to render it. Sometimes, God's hand is so close that it covers the eyes."

"Sometimes just surviving certain tasks without falling apart is our best and in those times God is not ashamed of our performance. He's proud of us for fighting overwhelming human emotions to do His will."

"Any time He calls us to die, His purpose is to reveal larger life."

I think recently I've taken the easy way out to make people happy with me and I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. Mainly because I made the decision out of fear. My feelings haven't changed.

My Day Described

valentine's day was surprisingly pleasant. i went to work, came home after 4pm and thought about going to sleep and being generally miserable. then i get call from mom and niki who are at the mall needing help shopping for prom dresses for the latter. so i go over. we didn't find any dresses we liked, but i did find some random stuff on clearance. flowery, bright, girly stuff that i really shouldn't even be thinking about. but what can i say, i can't work at a bridal boutique wearing my regular black and boring attire. speaking of work, today was my first real day where i actually helped one customer. went through invitations, response cards, reception cards, ink colors, pictures, pricing, etc. got to witness giddy brides mulling for two hours over whether they prefer the blue ribbon or the chocolate brown. (ridiculous, in my opinion!) not only that, it's insane the exorbitant amount of money people spend on these things. i'm flabbergasted! (yes, i used that word i think for the first time in my life. point being, i really was astonished.) notice to the world: chances are i won't ever be married. but if i am, rest assured i will not be sending you any invitation cards or the like. and if i get to marry the person i choose to marry, there probably won't even be a wedding as you imagine a wedding to be. anyhow, i like working again. even if it isn't much, it's something. now, back to the shopping with mom and niki, so we hung out at the mall until it closed and then decided to go out to dinner. went to p.f.chang's first, but they had a two hour wait so we went to chili's instead. shared fajitas, ribs, and that molten chocolate cake thing with ice cream on top...yum! then we came home and watched taare zameen par. and now i'm sitting here at 2:43am, about to fall asleep... but not without saying "happy birthday daddy" because it is his birthday today (feb. 15). although i don't think the date of his natural birth matters as much as his spiritual rebirth considering he's with Jesus now. but i do miss him. yeah, i love my family. i really do. but there is one other person i miss a whole lot too and i still wish...

Thoughts On Love

"beloved, let us love one another..." 1 john 4:7

"when i found the one my heart loves. i held him and would not let him go..." song of solomon 3:4

"love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 corinthians 13:7

Storm Clouds Gather

1. i almost got this job for four hours a week helping a lady with her laundry and ironing. i have no problem with doing such a job cuz i could really use the money. but mom says no. whether or not you agree with her, the point is that it was a few hours of honest labor for a few bucks. and even that is not allowed for me. "find a better job" they say. i'll tell you what i'm finding-- frustration.... everywhere i turn.

2. you asked me not to talk? fine. not to email? fine. not to chat? fine. not to have any communication? fine. but, not to hope? not to remember? not to feel? tell me, should i cut out my heart and bury it in the ground? or maybe i should just bury all of me? go ahead, tell me what to do. but don't tell me how to feel. because i can't do anything about the way i feel. it is what it is.

3. had a doctor's appointment today. talked to her about some stuff going on with my body for the last several years. at the end of everything, she asks me, "are you an anxious person?" i laughed when she asked. but it's true.

4. i know the value of education but i've come to despise the fact that i have a degree because it puts me in a certain category or class. which would be fine except that everyone seems to want to box me in. i didn't get an education so i could be better than somebody else or think more highly of myself. i got an education simply to get a education, to learn. and of course, because my parents made it a requirement if i was to ever leave and go for missions.

5. unfortunately, a new condition has been added, which is that if i want to go back, i can only go back with a husband, which i find completely unreasonable. the original agreement with my parents was that i finish my education and get a degree before launching into unknown territory. so it's rather unfair to spring this on me now. you may think me disobedient but i refuse. and thankfully, having realized the kind of person i'd choose to marry, they've decided it's probably better if i don't get married. except now the going back to india is kinda in jeopardy.

6. that burial idea sounds pretty good. if only suicide didn't promise hell.

7. God? i could really use a hand....

Hope Lives Here

1. hope. i tried to let it go for a moment and the moment was unbearable. so i'm holding on to hope. say what you will. tell me i'm disobedient or that i'm nuts. but hope is mine for the hoping. and i can't let it go.

2. i got something of a part time job working at this bridal boutique where they sell just about everything except the gown. it's a pretty little store right in the center of roswell called la vita allegra owned and operated by someone from church.

3. "the Lord will perfect that which concerns me; your mercy, o Lord, endures forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands." psalm 138:8

4. my God is good and He is faithful.

Broken

there is nothing left
no purpose for anything
even tears have run dry
hope, they say, is hard to kill
but that has been done too
my heart on a platter
my soul at the stake
my spirit broken
i have prayed
"Lord, i will go
wherever You send me
even some remote village
and serve You there
all the days of my life
and never question
only surrender"
"Lord, i will lay down
my life for Your purpose
even if it means death
i pray You give me courage
all the days of my life
to never question
only surrender"
the day has come
He has asked of me
something far more difficult
that is, to give up
someone i love so dearly
but i was unwilling
i questioned, pleaded, hoped
but He kept asking
the time has come
to surrender, to release
and as i unclench my fists
crumble to the ground
face in the dust
tears pouring out
i realize...
now i'm ready
to surrender completely
everything has been taken
nothing is left
stripped naked and helpless
as the day i was born
now, all attachments severed
i can go to that remote village
all reason for living forfeited
i can offer my life
even if it means death
nothing to hold on to
no one to walk with
i am alone
with Jesus

Disgusted With Myself

it really bothers me how people can take something so simple, so innocent, so beautiful, so perfect, and turn it into something ugly and embarrassing by creating their own stories and lies based on their preconceived ideas. then they slap a "this is wrong" label on it. and because i'm a single woman who has to "submit" to just about every other person i know, suddenly it's a matter of humility, obedience, respect, etc. it's happened again and again and again...and again. one more regret. one more hurt. one more blow. but this ship was nearly sinking. and this one was one too many. the worst part is that i just stand by and let it continue thinking it's what God wants. but if it's what God wants, then why do i have so many regrets? one way or the other, i still lose. i guess it's my lot in life.

absolutely disgusted with myself.

Don't Waste Your Time

okay, this is crazy! i wasn't trying to decieve anyone. as mentioned before, the separation wasn't absolute and words were exchanged when circumstances came up. i'm really frustrated with all of you expecting so much of me. and the stuff people are saying really hurts. i can't be what you want. it was never meant to be a total break to pray and see whether or not this is what i wanted. i already know that it is. it was just a short hold off to satisfy the ones who thought that a separation would make me forget. doesn't mean i wasn't praying. but you know what, if you all are right, if i am wrong, if God isn't in this, then where does that leave me? if my prayers mean nothing, if my desires are naive, and if there's always something wrong with the decisions i make...then what's the point of going on? i'm not of any use to anybody--not this world, and definitely not to God (if He's real, that is). maybe i'm just fooling myself. i mean really...what insane person wants to give up everything and struggle through life? who the hell is crazy enough to see potential in an impossibility? and what kind of loser would want to work at a job that is overly risky and underappreciated? oh right, that would be me, the lunatic. just call me dumbass. the world would be a better place without fools like me. allow me to relieve you of my presence.

Day 18

i quit.

Day 17

"...for it is God who works in you both to will and to act according to His good pleasure." Philippians 2:13

Day 16

I am Thine, O Lord, I have heard Thy voice
And it told Thy love to me
But I long to rise in the arms of faith
And be closer drawn to Thee

Consecrate me now to Thy service, Lord
By the power of grace divine
Let my soul look up with a steadfast hope
And my will be lost in Thine

- from the hymn "I Am Thine, O Lord"

Day 15

didn't ask
wasn't searching
couldn't have imagined
unexpected

one look
two songs
three words
a bond

suddenly
a part of me
sleeping
awakes

fear
threatens
confuses
hurts

hope sustained
truth embraced
forgiveness, grace
love triumphs

growing stronger
trusting ever
towards a future
together

impossible
remarkable
beautiful
a miracle

Day 14

"The Thief" - Brooke Fraser

Your eyes are full
Full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
At me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging, without giving us any say

You sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
With secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets in second-hand books
Playing the chords in me nobody knew how to play

You sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief I give the key to

It fits in your hand like the water in rain
Unlocks our two different selves
And shows we are the same
Rather than wait til I
Put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
and I'm letting you

Your eyes are full
Full of the future of us...

Day 13

1. so i let myself be scammed by some stupid babysitting job from craigslist. it was too good to be true but i let myself believe it. and then when i started feeling suspicious i decided to do a bit of googling and sure enough it was a scam.

2. february is upon us. and march will soon be here. and i will finally be cured from lack of... sunshine.

3. have to admit, so far, it's really just been dilly-dallying and dragging my feet and going about this with kind of the wrong attitude. that's going to change.

4. what do you do when you can't do anything?

5. thought from today's devotion: satan can't win and you can't lose.

6. another thought from today's devotion: God never takes His eyes off of us or off the clock ticking over us.

7. "if we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself." 2 timothy 2:13 ...i've been pretty faithless lately. thank God He doesn't give up on me.

Day 12

1. Walk with God
2. Serve people
3. Inspire others
4. Change lives
5. Lift up the downtrodden
6. Mirror Christ
7. Share the Gospel
8. Offer hope
9. Educate children
10. Help the poor
11. Care for orphans
12. Love like Jesus

Day 11

blogger says it's my 400th post. i'm not really jumping for joy or anything. but i guess i should say thanks to all my readers and commentators and audience in general, although i'd still keep blogging even if you didn't read or comment. so i'm not exactly sure why i'm thanking you. but you guys are still special cuz you make me feel special by taking the time to stop by every once in a while. cuz even though i'd keep blogging either way, i have to admit, you still make my day. um, that wasn't meant to rhyme. okay okay, enough of that. now go amuse yourselves elsewhere. i'll post again tomorrow.

beni

Day 10

(an untitled essay)

There is this argument I keep hearing that seems to make sense upon first glance. But, try as I may, something just irks me about it and, until today, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Listen in on this conversation.

My burning question: Should we, as Christians, discriminate on the basis of race, language, social or financial status when it comes to marriage?

Everyone’s immediate answer: Of course not! Beni, you know me--I would never suggest a thing like that!

If you press the matter and offer specific situations, especially ones that strike close to home, we soon enter a discourse on this seemingly innocent issue of compatibility. And certainly it is important. Two people have to get along with each other right? Right. But I challenge you to take a second look. Compatibility. Sounds like such a nice word that makes so much sense. But really? Does it? Because I don't buy it anymore, and I would like to suggest that compatibility is really just a euphemistic argument that gives license to prejudice.

For example, let me tell you about Aladdin and Jasmine. Aladdin is a young man from the city of Argabah who finds himself in the company of the princess quite by chance. Undoubtedly, he's smitten by her beauty and she's taken by his charm. He is carefree, mischievous, hasn't a penny to his name, and commonly known as the street rat. School was bore so he didn't study too hard, but it's not to say he's not an intelligent guy. He has a few tricks up his sleeve and a genie watching out for him. Jasmine, on the other hand, is a princess. She was raised in luxury, and probably also educated and well traveled, with a number of suitors looking to make a mutually beneficial match. And one day, she will have to assume the throne. In the cartoon version, things work out somehow and no one but Jafar objects to the idea. But allow yourself to enter my storyline for a moment. Aladdin’s folks are clearly surprised and Jasmine's folks are undeniably livid. Imagine the scene at her place.

What do you see in that street rat? You are to be crowned Sultana, are you crazy to think he can be Sultan? They are not like us; they are commoners, village people; how can you think him suitable for forming an alliance? What does he have to offer you? How will he take care of you? We will surely lose our face in royal circles; how can you even think of bringing shame upon your family? You have nothing in common with that good-for-nothing boy! Are you out of your mind? Do you have any appreciation for the way we raised you? Etc.

We would probably find Jasmine, independent and strong-willed, standing her ground and defending Aladdin as best she could against the deluge of harshly negative responses from those closest to her. When convincing her folks fails miserably, I imagine she may have turned to a close friend or two who would have tried to make her understand using a slightly different method. Listen in.

You’re right; they shouldn't be talking about him like that. But look, girl, we trust your judgment and Aladdin’s probably a great guy. But do you really think you guys are compatible? Think about it, he is so different from you. You are royalty and he's not. And how would he get along with your family? He doesn't have anything in common with them, or you. I know this is difficult for you, but maybe you just need to let him go. He can take care of himself and I’m sure he'll do well in life if he's as awesome as you say he is. But you need to think about your future as Sultana and choose a suitor who can stand by you in that position.

Two very different sounding arguments but they essentially say the exact same thing. The first approach blatantly insists that Aladdin obviously doesn't reach Jasmine's status financially, socially, educationally, intellectually, etc. The second approach points out all the same differences, but in a much more gentle fashion. Discrimination is the foundation of both arguments, but one masquerades under the guise of compatibility. I’m not saying that these differences should be taken lightly. Most certainly they should be addressed and settled. But they shouldn't be considered grounds for outright rejection. To put it differently, this whole notion of compatibility reeks of good old discrimination gift-wrapped in supposed goodwill.

There is a third argument also. It might go something like this. What kind of boy is this Aladdin? Doesn’t he know how much pain and trouble he is causing for Jasmine and her family? Why doesn't he just leave her alone? He should forget about her and pursue someone in his own league. He is a fool to be going after something unattainable and so far beyond his reach. But hold on a minute. Should he just let her go? Should he give up? Is the fact that he is poor reason enough to throw away his hopes? Does he not have just as much a right to dream as anyone else? Or are his dreams somehow less valuable because he wasn't born a prince? It’s easy to disregard what we don't value, or who we don’t value. It’s important to remember that God created him just as lovingly and carefully as He created everyone else, with feelings and desires and everything we are humanly capable of.

Let’s leave the city of Agrabah for now and come back to reality. Different? Perhaps. Not as much as we imagine I would argue. Not every poor guy in this world has a genie to watch his back. But I’d say that every Christian, rich or poor, has the Creator ordaining his steps. Forget three wishes. Jehovah Jireh is Providence Himself. Some are blessed to be born into well to do families. Others struggle through life. Some make it. Some don't. But who are we to judge? In fact, Scripture doesn't make a distinction as to which is better. But it does warn us not to run after riches or status or even good looks. Ever heard of the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life? And it clearly commands us to love and treat all men and women equally because God has created us as such. In fact, we are to esteem others as higher than ourselves; and it doesn't say to esteem them higher only if they are wealthier than us or they have a better social standing. We are to esteem regardless. And when society ignorantly raises barriers, as Believers, we are to tear them down and lift up the standard that is Christ, the true standard of love, humility, respect, kindness, long-suffering, etc.

Now, I know that Aladdin is just a made-up story. We don't find such dramatic occurrences in our everyday lives. Generally speaking, people live in a bubble, interacting only with others who are similar to them. Think about it, your friends are usually a lot like you. That’s why you became friends in the first place. And even when love and romance take place under such circumstances, the differences are not so vast as was the case in our story. But I wouldn't go so far as to suggest that Aladdin and Jasmine are completely foreign to us. There are times, and maybe God plans it this way, when an Aladdin and Jasmine plot might pop up in the most unexpected of places. But, should it happen, let us not forget that we are Believers called to a different way of life and interaction. Let’s not make a judgment based on the standards of this world. Let’s allow God to write the story, as impossible as it may seem, because surely He is a God of miracles and wonders. And what better way for God to receive the glory than a story so humanly impossible that only He could have written it.

Day 9

it's day 9 and i'm miserable. this separation, though it hasn't been absolute, has been unbearable. talking to a hundred other people can't make up for not being able to talk to one. at least i'm almost a quarter of the way there. but if just the first quarter feels like eternity, how am i to survive the next three? Lord, have mercy. i am weak.

Day 8

i have too many jumbled thoughts churning around in my head and they're far too tangled to organize into a cohesive blog post so i'm going to just vent. warning: you probably shouldn't read further. you may ask, well then why are you posting it? let me remind you, this is my blog. the one place on the planet (and it's not even a physical space) where i can stutter and contemplate and let myself be me. i don't write for anyone else. these posts are personal. so read only if you feel so inclined. but keep in mind you've been warned. having said that, here goes. i have a whole bunch of people's opinions crammed into my head. i know what the Bible says about obedience and i also know what it says about prejudice. i don't know where in the Bible it says that committing to someone in marriage follows a different set of rules and guidelines than everything else in life. i know what common sense tells me and i also know that common sense isn't always 'God-sense'. Jesus said to look at the lilies and not to worry about tomorrow but it's also written that we are to be wise and not foolish. i don't know why i feel the way i feel. i don't understand why God allows things to happen sometimes. there have been moments i've been in God's presense but then decisions i've made in those moments seem to be wrong -- i'd really like to know how and why that happens. i'm human and i know it, which is why i have to depend so completely on God. sometimes, discernment escapes me. sometimes, i behave foolishly. i honestly don't have a whole lot of confidence in myself, none actually. i'm ridiculously shy, self-conscious, and insecure. yeah okay, so you get to read about my dirty laundry. everything i am, everything i've done, everything i hope and dream for the future is because of Him and through Him. i am His child and i trust that He will take care of me. i'm sick of explaining myself. i'm sick of feeling like i'm in the wrong. i remember those first weeks -- a stirring of the heart, reluctance, happiness, fear, hope, taking a chance, feeling awake, peace, conversations, time spent together, dreams. we didn't expect anything. no hidden agenda. no ulterior motives. it was childish maybe, but it was real. it was foolish perhaps, but it was sincere. and then you open your heart to people only to have them rip it apart and you're left with only shreds of what used to be. i hate that i care so much what people think. how a comment from someone can make me go back to square one and question and doubt myself and the situation. okay, so i'm a mess. and i'm a mess because i'm an idiot who opened my mouth and my heart for the world to see. they've always thought that i was naive, foolish, easily tricked. maybe i am. but i have my Maker looking out for me. so i've never bothered. i've been taken advantage of in the past. and i'm sure it will happen again in the future. does that mean i lose all faith in myself and people let my family decide everything for me? hopefully not. it doesn't make sense. nothing makes sense. life itself doesn't make sense. for a fleeting moment, i chose to see the world through the lens of love without condition. acceptance without prejudice. and it was beautiful and painful all at the same time. and now they tell me that i can't look at the world that way. that class and status and society and race and money and all these humanly concocted ideas somehow trump simplicity and sincerity and love. what is left to live for? i fail to see the truth in it. the idea that we can help them from our higher position but we cannot associate and bring ourselves to their level. it's no different than looking down on them, asserting and reitering that they are and always will be below us. how does that fit with Scripture admonishing us to think of others as higher than ourselves? tell me, why did Jesus leave Heaven and become a man? i'm confused. utterly and completely confused. i'm frustrated with myself. i'm frustrated with people. and i'm frustrated with God. i chose to love out of a sincere heart and now i've been made to feel bad about it. i don't understand it. the whole world can judge me. i have no response. and if this is wrong, then, GOD, where were You those days!!?? where are You now??!! and how am i supposed to discern what You want? everyone's voices keep blaring in my head and i can't even think clearly anymore. i've become an embarrassment. God, i really need You! i don't want to make mistakes and screw up. i don't want to walk away from You. i don't want to dishonor to Your name. i can't see people's hearts and i can't judge character. please bring clarity because this burden is too much for me to bear. i'm not strong. i'm not even sure i'm sane. and i keep asking for wisdom but i just feel like i'm growing more foolish by the day. and within this wretched heart, that crazy unexpected love that came out of nowhere still survives.

Day 7

tempted to quit. stuff keeps coming up. and i keep finding myself walking the line. neither here nor there. i'm trying to pray but i can't find the words. i believe what was started will be finished. but i'll have to take some drastic measures. allow for zero wiggle room. it's imperative. today, i may have failed. but tomorrow is another day where anything is possible, including another chance to succeed.

Day 6

1. day 6. love is patient.

2. found out yesterday that i've been accepted into the george brown college social service worker program. wasn't too worried about getting in considering it's not a big name school and the advisor for the program was really impressed with me and was personally making sure that my application was going through--God's favor indeed. and mom's finally given me the okay--PTL!! things are actually coming together and i'm having to just breathe and take it in. on one hand, i'm super excited about moving out on my own (okay, with Christine, but still on my own). at the same time though, i'm really nervous because it's the first time in my life where i'll actually have to support myself. and the thought of going back to student life is mildly worrisome. i'm not a big fan of the classroom, of tests and discussions, research papers and essays. i'd much rather be on the field, taking it all in, learning from experiences rather than memorizing textbook definitions only to forget most of it later. anyhow, such is life and i must learn to deal. but i can hardly believe this is all finally happening.

3. been thinking about how i've been asking God for an obvious sign or confirmation so i can know what His will in my life is. and i've been wondering, do i really need a sign that obvious? when God spoke to moses, it was fire and thunder and whatnot. it was obvious. but last week, i was thinking about elijah. there was wind, fire and earthquakes, and God could have used such things to reveal Himself and it would have been completely obvious. but God was actually in the still small voice. it would have been so easy to to disregard the still small voice when the bigness of the other stuff like wind and fire an earthquakes seem to overpower everything. but elijah recognized the still small voice as the voice of God and didn't demand anything more.

help me, Lord, to recognize Your voice amidst the clamor of everything else, even when it's too soft to be heard.

Day 5

yesterday's bump in the road threw a monkey wrench into the picture. so i have a lot of praying and pondering to engage in over the next few days and weeks. generally, i'm a pessimist. but i want to stay positive, even though it did rock the boat a good deal. at least until these forty days are up, i'm going to hold off on making any further decisions.

Lord Jesus, i relinquish my rights to myself and surrender completely to You once again. please ordain my steps as per Your plan and purpose. if the desires of my heart do not please You, then please change my heart. i only want Your will.

"Uphold my steps in Your paths, that my footsteps may not slip." Ps 17:5

Day 4

it's morning of day 4. i'm still in bed, keeping warm under the covers, laptop on my lap, thinking of... i'm 1/10th of the way there, which kinda makes me feel better cuz the time is dragging on so slowly i hardly know what to do with myself. but God has been reminding me to seek Him--not the answer, not His blessings, not after the things of this world, not what others think of me, not anything else. just seek Him. the Word says:

"Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." Psalm 34:5

"Turn to Me and be saved..." Isaiah 45:22

UPDATE: it's evening of day 4. met with another bump in the road. it was a bump that reminded me that i will soon come to fork in the road and will have to make a decision. i'm torn.

Lord, i need to know. show me. i want Your perfect will. nothing more. nothing less. nothing else. just Your will. and please make it obvious. i humbly ask in the name of Jesus. amen.