Backwards

10. the recent lack of updates is not because i'm not writing. but rather because i'm not publishing. the following is a mishmash of stuff i wrote two months ago mixed in with stuff i wrote two minutes ago as well as the random nonsense that crosses my mind on a moment to moment basis.

9. i'm sick with the flu. though not of the pig variety. just in case anyone is prone to abnormal anxiety.

8. if rules were meant to be kept, God wouldn't have placed the forbidden fruit right in the center of the garden and then highlighted the fact that we have free will. it was meant to happen all along. God's not stupid.

7. there are some absolutes, but not everything is absolute. Jesus is Lord. absolute. we are living in the end times. speculation. drug addicts go to hell. not your judgment call. then there are other things. if you're not in the career your parents want you to be in, are you dishonoring them? if you told the man on the street begging for change that you didn't have any to spare when really you have plenty in your wallet, are you a liar? when you're annoyed with an annoying co-worker, and you exaggerate a mishap to make them look even more stupid, are you bearing false witness? the point is, as humans, there are certain things we do just because. to get a laugh. lighten a moment. save money. or our dignity. or just because it means choosing to act upon our desires as opposed to someone else's desires for us. does that make it wrong? not necessarily. but it does make us human. and i think the point that God was trying to make is that we have to depend on Him completely. He doesn't expect is to be perfect. if we were, we wouldn't need Him.

6. i love the fall time change. a whole extra hour!

5. i was telling the Lord the other night that i was weary and that i wanted Him to take me away. and this song from one of the many Christian cassette tapes i listened to growing up came to mind. the words are from scripture: "let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season, we shall reap if we don't lose heart."

4. i just want to be happy. and i'm not. being busy with school and work keeps my mind off the fact that i'm not happy so at least i can function in society in a half-way productive manner. but i still feel strange, out of place. like the pieces of the puzzle aren't fitting together for whatever reason. i want to go back. to the girls at the girls' home. to the children of the slums. to being in love again. i was happy. i had energy. life was something to live. and not just endure. i wasn't afraid. there was fulfillment. a sense of belonging. everything might not have been perfect. but it felt right. and right now, i would give anything to be there again.

3. i hate moving. at least i don't have to do it again for another year. i hate boxes and packing. i've decided i need to downsize. live in such a way that all my belongings fit into fewer suitcases. besides, i have so many clothes and shoes that i don't actually wear anyway.

2. it's great to have people around you who can help and who you can count on. but it's even better when you can just do it yourself and not worry about how to return the favor. thank God for craigslist.

1. sorrow grips
refuses release
life weighs down
bitterly helpless
tears unyielding
crushing sobs
like ocean waves
only sadder
hope is playing
hide and seek
dreams delayed
half my heart
a distant place
waiting

October Eight

1. today marks five years.

2. i think i just need to confess that God is still faithful and He is working all things together for my good. even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes. or most of the time. or ever. but He is still faithful. i am trusting.

Been Thinking

1. The other day, I got an email from a "relative" who wanted to tell me of a cousin of a guy that goes to her church who she thinks would be a good match for me (to marry). Let me add here that this relative has laid eyes on me maybe twice in my lifetime and we have actually said hello to each other once. She doesn't know the first thing about me except for what I looked like some eight years ago. Apparently, he "has a heart for Christ and is not too flashy." WTF!?!

2. In my mental health counseling class, we looked at a case study of a husband and wife struggling with sexual problems (details omitted here) to the point that, even though the rest of their marriage is phenomenal and they have two kids, they are seeking divorce after having really bitter sex for fifteen years. So the first question that pops into my mind is this: how is it that two people, who have been married for fifteen years, have never been comfortable enough with each other to talk about sex and each other's expectations and limitations and presuppositions and ideas, etc.?

3. Taking part in the AIDS Walk For Life made me realize a lot of things. I walked to support the countless millions suffering from AIDS in India and Africa. But really, for me, this whole thing is about dignity and respect. Every human being has a right to dignity no matter what--whether you are a homosexual man living in Canada or a single mother in Botswana or a girl making a living through prostitution in India. Fault finding and finger pointing is a stupid and pointless. It's all part of not just loving your neighbor but loving your neighbor as yourself.

4. I've been learning a lot about this approach called the Anti Oppression Framework and I think it's a phenomenal idea. Christians would disapprove of this approach. But I think Christ would take it a step further. "Helping" someone suggests that we are somehow above them. "Working with" them puts us at their level. Jesus tells us to "serve" because that places us at the lowest level that we can possibly go. If God wanted to "help" us, He could have just sent instructions from Heaven. If He wanted to simply "identify" with our humaness, He could have come down maintaining His power and glory and started a dialogue with the influential people of the day. Instead, He wanted to "serve", so He came down into the feeding trough for animals and walked with fisherman, tax collectors and prostitutes, and died naked on a cross, bringing Himself to the lowest point possible in order to make a very simple and profound statement of His great love for us. Humbling. So it's not about how much I accomplish in this life. It's not about whether or not I leave my mark. It's not about how many people take notice of me. It's about a constant dying and laying down of myself. It's about carrying my cross. It's about service and humility and love that is sincere.

Contemplations

Give without expecting the golden rule to return the favour. Serve without the need for appreciation. Let your work be inspired by sincerity and not just the drive to succeed. Take time to hear people out, and not just the ones who speak your language. When you fall in love, let it be unexpected.

Sometimes, you find beauty in what is ugly on the surface. You can find treasure if you take the time to look deeper. God doesn't judge you based on what people think of you. So don't let yourself judge others because they don't look as polished on the outside.

It's not the easy road. But it's simple and it's honest.

I live in a city where everyone looks good. I look around me and people look fabulous all the time. The lawyers that stop by starbucks for their coffee three times a day seem to have it made. The fashionistas I see on the street on a day to day basis sure seem to have it all together. But I wonder, if I could take the person out of the environment, what would they be like? Who would you be without the perfect body and fabulous wardrobe? Who would you be without your swanky downtown office and power suits? Who would you be if we stripped away the exterior and looked inside your heart?

I know one thing. It would be cool to look amazing everyday, have a respectable job, and have the world think I'm wonderful. But I know that the day the facade cracks, the world will leave me out to dry and find the next best thing to devote their attentions to.

Let me not end without saying that if you have it made and life is good, then that's great and I'm happy for you. But I don't respect you any more than the man on the street to whom life hasn't been quite as wonderful.

Find yourself and don't let go. If I am misrepresented. If they disapprove of what I'm doing. If I never amount to anything. It doesn't matter. Because I know who I am.

As for me, I want to live a simple life. Unassuming. Unpretentious. Not without difficulties, but joyful amidst them. And full of love.

Two Days Off

Having two days off in a row is a wonderful thing. Usually, I just get one day off and I'm busy doing the necessary stuff that I don't have time to do the rest of the week. But today is actually the second of two days off and I feel so relaxed. I was planning on going to Indigo and hanging out at Starbucks just to read a book recommended by my sister but I think I just want to stay home and thoroughly enjoy my second day off by lounging around in pajamas, looking at random stuff online, and laying under the covers and contemplating my life. Tomorrow, school starts and it's back to work as well. Christine come backs in less than a week. That's pretty much it in the mad hermit life of Beni.

A Hermit Rambling

Yeah so I'm a bit of a hermit. I live in this big crazy city and I prefer to just be at home. I have to admit, years of just staying home and not being allowed to go and just hang out somewhere has really rubbed off on me. Even when I have the opportunity, I won't take it. I hate that about me. But whatever. The less I get out, the more money I save. My social life consists of work, the classroom, and talking to close family. Now, before you go feeling sorry for me, let me say two things. One, don't, because I hate pity. Two, I love it. There's peace. I am my own person. The particulars of what I do everyday is kept personal. I don't have to explain myself and I like not having to explain myself. So yeah, full time work, full time school. Sure it's nuts but being busy again is good.

In other news, I really really miss certain people who are as much a part of my life as they ever were. Memories. Everywhere. In every corner of my existence, I just can't get away from them. So many memories, I don't know what to do, how to deal with it. Sometimes, I just want to sit and think and remember. But when I do that, I start to go crazy. No joke. A million pictures in my head. Literally, a storm of emotions. People. Places. Experiences. Houses. Smells. Faces. Sounds. Trains. Voices. Certain time periods that I want to re-live over and over again. It's hard to breathe sometimes. Sometimes, I wish I could somehow escape these boundaries of time and space. I wish I could go back in time but I can't and even if I could, would it be better or would I just miss it more? I feel like I've lived a lifetime. I know that 25 years is nothing. But it feels like much more. And if this is how life feels, I'm not sure I want to continue. But then I remember that my experiences are intricately tied into the people around me and if I stop experiencing, whether I choose it or it is chosen for me, I also bring something of an end to certain experiences of those near to me. And so I press on. Still hoping that somehow, certain memories that have become dreams will someday turn into reality. And for that which can't come back around, I'll wait for eternity. If there's one thing I've learned, it's to wait. There's always tomorrow. But someday, when all the tomorrows become yesterdays, I hope that I will have arrived to wherever it is I'm going.

Stubborn Hope

try me

i'm still here, waiting

don't want this to be the end

is there something more?

should i hold on?

cuz right now i feel like letting go

i've been there, done that, seen it all

you might think i'm prideful

and with pride comes the fall

but the one honest truth

is right here in this song

i'm already lower

than you've ever gone

where's heaven when you need it?

those pearly gates when all you want to do is run in?

but it seems to me i'll be here a while yet

waiting, just waiting

Aftertaste

said and done, this heart is sober
can hardly breathe, it's too soon
dreaming is for the ridiculous
and optimism is for the fool
sure, if you're halfway lucky
then the birds are singing your song
but sunny days aren't for everyone
only a wish gone hopelessly wrong
reality is grey and meaningless
it's hard to escape what just is
all that remains is the aftertaste
of when living was even worth it

Starbucks

so yesterday i met the district manager over a coffee tasting, more like pseudo-interview, and i'm going to be trained and promoted to shift supervisor. this is pretty cool for me because it's my first official "promotion" and it's pretty exciting. it's really God's favor because i haven't been working there very long and people aren't usually promoted after just a few weeks as a barista. have i mentioned that i love being a barista! i love making those drinks just right and foaming the milk to perfection and seeing the looks on people's faces as they take their first sip and smile. i've always thought being a chef was cool, but i guess being a barista is as close as i'm ever going to get. anyhow, making people's day that much better puts both them and me in a good mood. so i'm loving work. coworkers are pretty fun too. there's a girl who's a black belt. a guy who plays in a band that's well on their way to becoming famous. a girl who's actual job is investment advisor but she works part time at starbucks. a girl who's going to hairdressing school and offered to cut my hair for free. so yes... work is good :)

For Better Tomorrows

does it have to be impossible?
is it too much to ask?
is the adventure too much to handle?
or will we stick to wearing a mask?

the mask that says we're better
society's civilized claim
or is it that change just frightens us
and we don't stand to gain?

what's left is below the surface
hushed tones and smiles all around
but there's a remnant willing to contend
to seek what was meant to be found

for if we throw up our hands in defeat
hang a white flag on the window sill
impossible will remain just that--
simply impossible

Paint Me Numb

when i remember

it comes back

what was rejected

returns stronger

not brave enough

to ignore them

the same again

and again

still can't walk away

this living called life

means nothing

always running

growing weary

can it be?

the saying yes

the happiness

of sharing

with acceptance

will is breaking

but dismemberment

remains difficult

if not impossible

meant or forced

matters not

secrets

sorrows

and such

what is

just is

and i

accept

Life Lesson

life lesson: tell people what they want to hear and it will go well with you. rock the boat and you'll end up in the water. if you plan on doing the latter, first make sure you know how to swim.

happy living.

Starbucks

so my life right now pretty much revolves around work. and work is great. i'm finally more comfortable working the bar and working efficiently. i like handing off drinks to happy customers. hopefully my co-workers are happy with me too. i'm not the greatest at discerning social cues so i'm not too sure. but so far it's been alright. except for the fact that i can't really hear properly so i'm constantly going "what?" which is really annoying to me so i can only imagine how others are putting up with it. should probably go see a doctor about that.

i'm blessed.

Living My Life

i don't want a magazine to tell me what i can wear. i don't need peers to tell me what's cool and what's not. i don't want my family telling me what's good for me or bad for me. i don't need television to color my social experience. i don't want to be told which guys are hot and which guys are not. i don't really care if it's not what everybody else does. and i don't really care if you think i'm a loser. i just want to be me and experience life with an open mind and a non-judgemental attitude. take a chance, live a little, risk a lot. i don't want regrets.

Mom

today is my mom's birthday. i won't tell you how old she is. but i will say that when she was my age, she was married, had two kids and a steady job. she's a strong woman, raised three kids amidst chronic uprooting, had to face far more than her fair share of difficulties in life, and took a definite stand for everything she believed in. she may not always be proud of what i've become, but whether or not she knows it, she raised me well, and i'm certain God would amen that.

happy birthday, Mom!

love,

Beni

Where Angels Are

I realize I haven't blogged very much for the past couple months. In fact, I've seriously considered quitting blogging altogether...haven't come to any final decision on that, yet. Anyhow, there's been so much happening of late, I'm just kind of enjoying God's blessings, rather than trying to figure everything out. But if you know me, you know that that's not going to last long. I'm very much a dreamer and I like to figure stuff out and think things through even if it means saying "I don't know what I'm doing but I'm willing to trust God" at the end of it. And since this blog is my means of doing the "figuring", there's not a huge chance it's going away anytime soon. Having said that, I'm here writing because there's a lot on my mind and I need to write...

So after the long struggle with all the powers that be, I am finally on my own here in Toronto and life has been strangely wonderful. It wasn't that easy getting here, but here I am. Singapore didn't work out, but Toronto has been just as, if not more, perfect for this season. And India didn't work out, but I know that I'll be back one day when God thinks I'm ready, and I'm happy letting Him work that out for me. Living with Christine has been good. I've never lived with anyone apart from family before so this is a new experience for me. So if you have any questions about me as a person, my character or capabilities, you're free to talk to her.

Even though everything has been wonderful, I really needed a God-encounter. It wasn't that I was away from God or anything, but I just needed God to grab me by the shoulders and say, "Beni, I'm still at work here so have a little faith in Me!" And this past week has been just that. I've been attending these meetings where Shyju Mathew is ministering, and every message has been so perfectly suited to my current situation, I know that God orchestrated it all. Can I just say how amazed I am at His love for me!

There are a several things I've been trying the last few months to come to terms with. And I'm going to try to explain my way through a couple of them because I've finally found the strength and courage to do so. One thing that I need to state here (which may or may not make sense to you): the last year and half was by no means a mistake. God was in it every step of the way and I was walking with Him. Sure He kind of messed up all my plans and all the plans my family had for me. But it has been a thoroughly fulfilling sort of mess up which I don't really think was a mess up at all. I have always known that my life is different. I have not ever lived an ordinary life or had an ordinary Christian experience. There is something much deeper and bolder that has been stirring in my spirit for most of my life and for anyone to think that God was going to lead me in the humanly prescribed way is simply ridiculous. I'm not going to live my life skipping along green meadows and taking the easy, respectable route to eternity. No way! I always have and always will veer off the beaten path and carve out my own undignified and eccentric way however God chooses to lead me.

A second point I have to make is this: I'm His child, yes, but I'm no longer a child and no longer a teenager or even a "young" adult. I'm a woman and no ordinary woman at that, I'm a woman of God. I have a good sense of who I am as a person, what I'm capable of, and what are my likes and dislikes. Having said that, I should also add. The decisions I make are not the result of superficial whims and fancies. They have been thought through, prayed about, and sufficiently agonized over. Not to mention, they're mine to make.

To be honest, the last few months, I have been second guessing everything about myself. I couldn't tell whether God had really called me or if I was imagining it or if He was just messing with my head. It felt like the best days of my life were behind me. I didn't know if I would ever play guitar and lead worship again. Or if I would ever be plugged into a church and serving in the capacity that I was used to serving in, because that part of me felt so far removed from the present reality. I didn't know if the emotions and feelings and dreams and everything else brewing on the inside of me would ever come to be accepted or even just come to be a reality regardless of whether it was accepted. I was tired of trying to explain myself to everyone. It was like I would explain my heart out and all I felt in the end was that no one understood or even cared to understand because they had already formed their own opinions. But God spoke to all these issues. Here's just a sampling of everything He had to say...

I learned that my best days were not behind me, in fact, everything I've experienced in Him so far was only a "demo" of what is to come. That in itself is a phenomenal thought.

I learned that there were certain doors that God had shut, not because it wasn't in His will, but because He wants me to faithfully cry out to Him with childlike dependence.

Isaiah 41:15 : "Behold, I make of you a threshing sledge, new, sharp, and having teeth; you shall thresh the mountains and crush them, and you shall make the hills like chaff."

I learned that when God interferes in your life, nobody will understand it but you. And don't wait for everybody to accept your dream.

Last night was probably my favourite. The message was entitled "Birthing the Impossible" and there's so much I want to say about that, but I think I'll just keep that revelation in my heart until the appropriate time.

The whole week has been amazing. Christine and I have been talking about stuff for the past couple months and it was like God had been listening in on all our conversations and this week He decided to bring confirmation for everything.

The most important revelation that took place this week didn't come in a meeting, however. I think it was Monday morning, I woke up and was still hiding under the covers, just thinking about God, life, stuff, etc. I had known for some time that I was in a season and things people said, Scripture I had read, messages that had resonated within me, and thoughts and emotions kept replaying in my head, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was God was trying to teach me through it all. But lying there on my bed, all of a sudden, it hit me: God's Will isn't always what "seems right" or "works out"; sometimes, it means facing hardships and ridicule and pressing on despite setbacks.

It's funny because usually we think that if something is part of God's will for you, then it will automatically work out. And on some level, this is true. But on a deeper level, I would argue on a more mature level, most of the time, you have to fight for it. Hannah had to cry and plead for Samuel. Hagar cried out to the Lord and He lead her to a well that provided her sustenance. Rachel struggled so much to conceive Joseph. Joseph had to struggle all through his life in order to see the fulfillment of God's promise. David was a fugitive for many years before he finally became King. And the list goes on; I won't even mention all our modern day examples of people who had to struggle through their lives but ended up accomplishing monumental feats.

Imagine if Hannah has said, "God, You have closed up my womb, but I accept it because You know what is best." What if David had said, "If I was really meant to be king, then God would have opened all the doors and I wouldn't have to run for my life. I'll just sit over here and practice my harp." What if Paul had said, "If God wanted me to preach, He would have protected me from harm." See how silly it sounds? Great things are not accomplished by people who do what sounds like the most sane option. Great things are accomplished by people who are counted foolish by the wise of this world because they choose the ridiculous.

So anyways, to try and wrap this up... I believe that the desires that God has put within me have not died as a result of the struggle. They're just dormant, lying in wait for me to start crying out to God and praying His will into my life. The doors may have closed for now, but they haven't closed forever. I'm so excited! I serve an awesome God who has awesome plans for my life. He's given me a tiny glimpse, a little taste, and I'm stoked!

Before I end the post here, something really cool happened the other night. I think it was Tuesday. There was an alter call and myself and Christine found ourselves up there yet again. And at one point in the service, Shyju said something like "The presence of God is here, if you want to feel it, just put your hands in the air and begin worshipping the Lord." And I just put my hands in the air, not really expecting to feel anything because I generally don't "feel" stuff like that. But as I put my hands up, my eyes were closed, and all of a sudden I was very aware of the presence of angels in that place. I quickly opened my eyes thinking that I was going crazy, but that feeling like angels were in that place wouldn't go away. I keep peering into the air, on the ceiling and I didn't see anything. I couldn't see any angels, but I felt them and I knew they were there. I have never experienced something like that before in my life. It was something special and I thank God for it.

So here I stand. In that precious middle ground, where one season ends and another begins, where revelation happens and pieces of this grand puzzle called life begin to fit together, where angels are and God's presence is tangible. We pause to savour, but not for long, because its onward to the next thing God has in store.

I am nothing. Jesus is everything.

Beni

She Said It Best

Something borrowed from Niki's blog, a philosophy I have recently adopted, not so much in terms of earrings and clothing, but in terms or how I choose to live my life...

"When someone doesn’t approve of something I do, I continue doing it unless I too have a problem with it. For example, my earrings, or choice of clothing, or even what I write on my blog. Maybe someone doesn’t like it, but it’s mine not theirs."

Quick Update

1. moved into our new apartment.

2. got a job at starbucks.

3. loving life.

Happy

It's officially the second day of summer and I'm lounging around at Walter's house eating frozen yogurt and reflecting on life. It's been close to two months since I arrived in Toronto and I think it's a good time to write, something I haven't had the chance to do quite as often as I used to. The transition to Toronto was amazingly smooth. Everything fell into place so perfectly and God's favor has been thoroughly evident throughout this whole process.

The course I'm doing is great. I'm really liking my classes and the sense that I'm doing what I want to do and what I'm meant to do is very much present. I'm learning a lot--about myself, about social service work, about life, etc. I love that I'm finally doing something and going somewhere with my life.

Staying at Walter's house was good to start with, but moving out has been part of the plan from the beginning. And so, Christine and I found a really great basement apartment right in the heart of Toronto downtown. Furnishing our new place has definitely been an adventure in and of itself. We found some great (and cheap) secondhand pieces and we rented a Uhaul a couple of times to transport our purchases across the city (yes, I drove it). Did I mention how much I love not depending on anyone else?

The job hunt is still on. But with how things have been working out, I'm not too worried about it. This morning, I had an interview with Beatrice House run by the YWCA which went really well and I'm happy to say that my placement (which is part of the program) is figured out. Thank you Jesus! Now I can devote all my time to looking for a paying job.

I love the city. I love independence. I love that I can make my own decisions. I love being away from everybody and everything and all the stress of trying to meet everyone's expectations. I love just living and being me and enjoying life. I love that I don't have to let anyone know where I am or tell anyone when I'll be home or ask for permission to do anything.

The last thing that needs to fall into place (other than a job) is that we need to find a good church. But I'll leave that to God, just like everything else.

Anyways, having said all of that, let me end by saying: I love life and this season I'm in! And truly, my God is faithful!

It's a GIRL!!!

It's June 18th. My little sister's 18th birthday. I remember when my mom was pregnant with her and I'd pray everyday that God would make the baby a girl. When my mom went to the hospital that morning, I was still wishing for a little sister. And finally the news came that the baby was a girl and I remember being so happy and didn't have anyone to rejoice with so I was jumping up and down in front of the mirror pretty much going insane over the fact that God had blessed me with a baby sister. But yeah, my little baby sister is now all grown up and going away to college. So I just wanted to take a moment to say that...

Niki, you are a blessing and I wish you all the best as you go out "into the world." Always remember who you are and live up to those standards and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Love you loads! Happy birthday and have a blessed year ahead.

Beni

Make It Stop

today would be a good day for the world to end, or for me to end in the world. don't want to face any more tomorrows.

just to clarify... i'm not suicidal. i'm scared shitless of going to hell. but doesn't life sometimes just become a grossly tedious affair?

it's all about who you know and what you have and how much you're worth and this constant struggle to "make it". whatever happened to simplicity. i wish stuff wasn't so damn complicated. ignorance isn't bliss and knowledge isn't power and no amount of money will ever be enough.

let's just say fml and call it a day yah?

Plans, Etc.

By this time next year, I would like to...

1. be able to support myself
2. complete the social service worker diploma program
3. obtain my life skills coach (training) certification
4. apply for jobs in the field of social work
5. apply to master's in social work programs
6. having done 4 and 5, wait for God to point me in the right direction
7. keep praying for india

Please Listen

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem, you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don't talk or do - just hear me.
Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get
you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham
in the same newspaper.

And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can
and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact
that I feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational,
then I can stop trying to convince
you and get about this business
of understanding what's behind
this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are
obvious and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
we understand what's behind them.

Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes,
for some people - because God is mute,
and he doesn't give advice
or try to fix things.
God just listens and lets you work
it out for yourself.

So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn - and I will listen to you.

-Author Unknown

Head in the Clouds

It’s a beautiful day on the east coast. The clouds are a beautiful bright cottony white just outside the window. Makes you want to fall into them and party with the angels. I’m on a US Airways flight somewhere in the skies between Charlotte and Toronto and my thoughts are about as scattered as the clouds I mentioned a couple seconds ago.

Toronto. A new beginning. A fresh start. A second chance—maybe not so much. Maybe I’m getting a little carried away. It’s definitely another chapter in my life, a new season, a step forward—okay getting carried away again. I’ll admit—saying goodbye wasn’t easy but I know this is something I have to do. It’s also overwhelming. I mean, this is me, finally moving out on my own! I’ve got such a tight grip on courage I fear I might choke it completely. When all else fails—and even before all else fails—God is faithful and His strength is mine. So I’m not going to be a wimp.

The flight attendants are coming through with drinks. Hmm…Sprite? Sprite it is.

On the flight from Atlanta to Charlotte, I had my phone on and I was taking pictures of the sky, the landing strip, the clouds. And the guy sitting behind me starts shouting at me. I didn’t realize it was me he was shouting at so he starts shaking my chair. No joke. He actually leaned over and started jerking it around. I was so startled and actually quite pissed off. He’s like, “Turn off your cell phone!” I smiled my best smile and replied, “You should probably calm down.” He’s still scolding, “You want to crash the plane and get us all killed?” More muttering, then he turns to his girlfriend (or wife?) and in a voice loud enough that I could still hear, he says “Retard!” Then he apologizes to the girl sitting next to him for yelling at me. Yeah! Nut job. First of all, my phone is on flight mode. Second, I don’t think he’d even consider doing that if I was a white girl. Third, it was just plain rude. Anyway, it’s such a beautiful morning up here in the clouds, I don’t want to spend my time being pissed off about all the losers that come my way.

My Sprite is still sitting here. Don’t really feel like drinking it.

So all in all, my trip has been pleasant. Both flights, I got to sit alone with no one beside me—made my day. No small talk. No strange smells. No bumping elbows. It was perfect. Sitting in solitude listening to the conversations taking place around me is almost therapeutic. The guy behind me apparently lived in New Delhi for ten years and Hong Kong for some period of time and now he lives in Canada; he also works on yachts for a living and makes frequent trips to Florida. The guy he’s been conversing with found tickets to Jamaica for $2 on Spirit Airline (plus taxes and fees obviously)—and no, I didn’t hear that wrong. The couple in the row across from me seems to be very much in love. And the two men in front have been chitchatting like two women this whole time. So yes, all is well in my world. There’s only one person I wish I could share this moment with but unfortunately it wouldn’t be allowed. Then again, if they were here with me, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this deliciously entertaining essay on time pass.

It seems we’re nearing Toronto. And I’ve been instructed to turn off my laptop.

Until next time,

Benita

Update

1. have a second blog. www.onedesi.wordpress.com

2. got twitter. username: onedesi

3. am leaving for toronto on april 30

4. school starts may 4

5. my God is faithful!

25

1. tuesday was my not very anticipated birthday. woke up to breakfast in bed courtesy of niki and mom, and went out to dinner with mom, niki, anisha and nitisha. after dinner, the girls slept over and we stayed up talking until 6am. had a heart to heart with niki which was good. in addition, it was probably the first time nitisha and i sat down and had a conversation. anisha and i had fun like always. i woke up with her sleeping next to me on my single bed.

2. i don't feel 25, i don't act 25, and i certainly don't look 25, but here i am 25 years old and it just doesn't feel real. sometimes i wish i could just change the date on my birth certificate. apart from the disturbing reality that my age doesn't fit my life, i was also feeling pretty low...i wasn't where i wanted to be, who i wanted to be, and with who i wanted to be with.

3. last year around this time i was in goa hanging out with the girls and boys. it was during this time that i made several life altering decisions including that i wanted to move to india and live and work there longterm. that arranged marriages just weren't going to be my cup of tea. that my being able to adjust to life over there was God's confirmation that He really had called me and it wasn't my imagination. and the ways in which He provided for me strengthened my faith to know that my life was in His hands and that He wouldn't let me fall.

4. in my opinion, i've also matured a lot this year, made several deep rooted realizations that influenced the decisions i made, including the ones mentioned above. it was a period of letting go of preconceived notions and constantly feeling the need to humble myself. i added the 'in my opinion' earlier because every step that i thought i was taking forward, everyone else saw as a step backward. and even though it feels right now like the dream that i was fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of, has faded into the background, i believe that God is still at work and i still hope.

Random Ranting

this is unfinished, unedited, and relatively incoherent...but whatever, read it if you want to...otherwise, occupy yourself elsewhere...

okay, to all the die hard slumdog fans out there--sorry. but i keep thinking about this movie and all the critical acclaim it has received and somehow i just can't seem to process. i think that this movie makes the situation seem a lot less complicated than it really is and there's something disconnected about it. and i'm not complaining that it paints an unreal picture of mumbai, because many people do live at that level of poverty, if not worse. and to indians complaining that it sheds a bad light on india by painting it as a third world country, i say--tough! take it as incentive to address the problem rather than ignoring what is. but the ending of the movie is unrealistic. there is a very obvious disconnect between the younger versions of jamal malik and the older jamal who goes on millionaire. that sort of transition is a lot to swallow. the confidence, security, calm and composure he displays is usually the result of experiences he couldn't possibly have had. i'm not suggesting that kids who grew up in slums cannot get ahead in life, i'm just saying that it takes a lot of work, usually an amount bordering on supernatural, to bring about that kind of turnaround in one's life. and people who don't fully understand the reality and nuances of the situation try to fix it in ways that may be more damaging in the long run. massive fundraising campaigns have taken place as a result of this movie. and the problem that arises is that westerners will continue to think that throwing money at the problem will fix it. then they can feel good about themselves because they've "done their part". and indians turn a blind eye because they know that the job is far too overwhelming, then they feel indignant that westerners make such a big deal about it. the movie touched american consciences because it's really an american dream kind of story where an underdog overcomes overwhelming odds to realize his dream. if the movie was set in america, i might be more inclined to believe it. instead, in this case, i would argue that this is opposite of how indians view the world in that your birth determines everything that matters in life from the kind of job one can hold to the kind of person one can marry. tradition overrules just about everything. i do think things are changing but it'll be a while. in addition, i keep wanting to ask the question: would this movie (as is) have received so many oscars had an indian directed it? then again, the india portrayed in the movie is the view of a outsider looking in rather than an indian telling the story. and if it were an indian telling the story, it would probably have been told in a very different way and maybe not garnered as much attention on the international scene. part of the reason it resonated, i think, was because what's his face told the story from the outsider's point of view and so outsiders can easily identify and sympathize. anyways, all those points aside, one final thought: if india is going to see change, it will have to start with indians, not westerners. yes, we thank them for bringing the gospel to india, but their bringing the gospel doesn't give them the monopoly on morality and ethics.

well...anyways...after all, i guess it's just a movie and maybe i should put my annoyances aside. knowing me, though, i don't think that's possible...

John 10:29-31

Jesus said, "Mark my words, no one who sacrifices house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, land—whatever—because of me and the Message will lose out. They'll get it all back, but multiplied many times in homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and land—but also in troubles. And then the bonus of eternal life! This is once again the Great Reversal: Many who are first will end up last, and the last first."

Slumdog Pissed

so I'm having this battle...on one hand, with society, and on the other,with myself. i just finished watching slumdog millionaire for the second time with my mom. each time i watch that movie, i get emotional, and if you know me, this doesn't generally happen. but it's not because the movie is great that i get emotional. the tears come when i think of those kids and the time i spent in mumbai and coming to terms with the reality that is their lives and how hopeless it is (from a natural point of view...of course i honestly believe that with Jesus, nothing is impossible). i read recently that a couple of the kids who played the main roles in the movie were back in the slums and it really pissed me off but i wasn't at all surprised. apparently that's been changed due to an international public outcry, but only time will tell how genuine of a change that really is. the point is--well actually i've got about a hundred points to make, but here's one to start--poverty is a mindset. giving them money and a roof over their head may be a start, but it's nowhere close to addressing the underlying issue. having spent time working with kids pulled out of a slum as well as working with kids living in the slums, it takes a far more than a few material goods to change a mindset and bring about success. i'd be interested in knowing, ten years from now, where those kids are. and not to be a pessimist, but the way things are, i doubt there's going to be a whole lot of change. when there is a whole lot of hype, everybody's wants to serve the cause and be a hero. when the hype dies out and it comes down to doing the difficult work, there's hardly a soul left standing. because real life isn't like the movies. real life is tough. and real life in the slums of india are tougher still. and real success doesn't happen overnight. real success takes blood, sweat and tears, and an investment on your part. and while many people are ready to work for their own success, not many will step up to work for another's success. and just as a sidenote, today i was watching the E! channel and found out that frieda pinto's clutch at the oscars cost some $6500. some of the other ladies' cluthes in the hundreds of thousands. now, i'm not saying that they're bad people or anything of the sort. but having looked into the faces of children begging for their next meal, i can't help but think about how many thousands of children could have been taken care of with that amount of money. another sidenote, i babysit two wonderful kids and everytime i go over there, i can't help but think to myself that these two kids have enough toys and gadgets in their possession to furnish an orphanage of fifty. once again, i'm not saying they're bad people. but it just breaks my heart to see it. but then that brings me to my next point, even if money were donated towards this cause, (and post-slumdog, a lot of people have donated towards the slum situation), will it really help or will the money get lost in overhead costs and bureaucracy? just today, i received a newsletter from one of the organizations i had a chance to work with. i've been looking forward to getting this newsletter for the last month or so and was so excited when the email arrived. but i went to the website to read it and was disappointed to find photos that could be three years old, if not more. they have one dated case study/success story about a girl i personally spent time with. it talks about how her life has been changed because of this organization and that she's doing wonderful and yadda yadda, when in reality, last i heard, she ran away. the pictures and stories paint this rosy picture of what doesn't exist and it brings in the dough. and i ask, where the hell is all the money going? and truth be told, it's the honest organizations that are making a real difference who don't get the largescale funding. and there are a hundred additional things i can sit here and complain about and get depressed over. the other side of the issue is the question of whether the methods used to address the problems of poverty and homelessness are actually effective or they're just offering a temporary solution. i mean, if you saw someone bleeding profusely, would you offer them a bandaid or two and hope for the best? of course not! maybe these organizations mean well, but you have to admit that something somewhere is seriously flawed. so anyways, i was discussing these things with mom and she goes into this spiel on how things won't change and how i could have been doing so much more if i were married and how people would respect me more if i had a respectable man in my life and how i'm being rebellious and that i'll end up like my great aunt who was a lot like me and now she's old and everybody thinks she's wasted her life. having said all of that, the other battle i'm having is with myself. i'm getting comfortable here and it scares me. i like my bed, my room, shopping, eating, and everything else. life in north america is luxury. and every day i wake up and it becomes harder and harder to think that one day i want to give it all up. i mean, do i really want to do this? but the truth is, i don't think i'll ever be truly happy living like this. and yet, do i have what it takes to tough it out when i've grown up with everything i could ever want? and let's face it, 'the best of both worlds' doesn't really exist when it comes to the stark realities of life. i honestly believe in identifying with the people whom God has called you to serve. Jesus didn't just proclaim the message from heaven, He came down to earth and became one of us.

you know what, there are a few things i've made up my mind about:

1. if people cannot respect me for the woman that God made me to be and can only respect me after i have a guy they prescribe in my life, screw it, i don't need such superficial 'respect'. i may be a woman, but God is God. He can use women, men, angels, donkeys, or even the weather to accomplish His purpose.

2. i don't want to depend on anybody or their money to do the work that God has called me to, by the grace of God, i'll work as hard as i possibly can and trust that the Lord will multiply my little to feed the multitudes. and whether i'm rich or poor, it is my aim to live a modest life. should God bless me, it will be a blessing to others.

3. i may not change the entire system in my lifetime, but each and every day that God gives me on this planet, i will do everything in my power to raise the standard as far as how christian organizations do social work. sometimes i think as christians we rely on feelgood rhetoric in place of real results, on using spirituality as a crutch to pretend that what we don't want to see doesn't exist, on 'i'll pray about it' when we should be saying 'let's do something about this'.

4. i will be who i am and i'll figure out this life on my own terms. i need to quit comparing myself to others and trying to step into someone else's shoes. i have to let myself be myself--the person God created me to be. controversial if that. radical if that. unconventional if that.

i have to start being the change i want to see.

Beautiful Feet

so the last couple weeks, i've been doing this study at church called "sharing Jesus without fear" and it has been really great. i needed it. i remember when i was younger, i was never afraid of anyone or anything. i was just as passionate as i am right now but with a whole lot less fear. somehow after high school and university and studying and realizing that life and the facts of it are much more complicated than i care to imagine, i've become a whole lot more quiet about my faith. or i'll rely on my knowledge or experience when i talk to people about Christ and not as much on the power of the Spirit, which is wrong. this study has really helped me to focus in on evangelism in the right way...using Scripture, keeping my mouth shut, and letting the Holy Spirit work. in a way, it has also been humbling. because so many times, we think that with everything we know, we can answer all their questions and whatnot, but really, salvation is a work of the Holy Spirit and not our ability to persuade. it also takes off a lot of the pressure that we put on ourselves. and to be completely honest, i've been so focused on missions and frustrated with having to come home that i haven't given a whole lot of thought or committment to evangelism. but God's reminding me that the Bible not only commands us to go and share the gospel, but to share the gospel as we go. these next couple years, as i will be studying, working, and whatever else comes my way, i pray that my first priority will be sharing the gospel with the people around me. and yes, one day i will go. but for now, i will be content to let the Lord use me however He will...to have beautiful feet not only after i get there, but to have beautiful feet even as i am going.

Unusually Affectionate

so niki's almost all ready for prom. we found the perfect dress on monday (better than the last dress we picked out). mom's making a couple alterations to make it cuter. hair and makeup appointments have been made. i gave her a complete manicure and pedicure today. why am i being so nice? cuz i'm always nice! no, not really. i'm being nice cuz i'm very proud of her. moving to atlanta in the middle of high school, changing four high schools, working hard to graduate with an international baccalaureate diploma, and being a generally good kid and maintaining her testimony through her teen years. and believe me, i've been on her case the whole time, usually even tougher than my mom. we've had many a yelling match, but it was worth it. and also because i have to miss her graduation cuz i'll be in toronto. i'll also have to miss ashish's graduation, unfortunately. they're both graduating a week apart from each other and i'm proud of both of them. i'm proud of ashish for stepping out and taking a risk and doing what he felt God wanted him to do even without everybody's approval. i don't say this often enough, but my siblings are pretty awesome. and i know that wherever life takes them, they'll do great things because they're great individuals and they serve a great God.

love you guys :)

beni (the bossy one)

Preparing to Disengage

1. the esther study ended after ten great weeks. i loved studying the book of esther. it was so perfect for my time and season in life. and beth moore was awesome.

2. started another study last week on "sharing Jesus without fear" which runs for four weeks. it has been convicting, reminding me of my purpose on the planet.

3. my brother did it first. my sister planned it out ahead of time. and me? late like always. well, i'm finally at that point where i know i have to do it. i've hesitated in the past, afraid of hurting people. but the truth is, the longer the i stay, the more i get hurt. i have to get out. disengage from this family and start my own family...even if it's a family of one (in fact, i'd prefer it). it will be difficult and people will be hurt and a struggle is to be expected. but this is it.

4. at least i know that i'll never be alone because my God is faithful.

To-Do List 2009

so i know it's not the time to be making new year's resolutions. but one chapter of my life is about to close and the next chapter is about to begin. so i think this is perfect junction to list a few things that i'd like to be working on over the next several months.

1. become financially independant. if not completely (because mom's paying tuition and fees), at least to a large degree (living, etc.). i've learned that the people who control your finances also control your life. so if i'm going to do my own thing, i've also got to pay my own way.

2. begin to establish a savings account. in the past, i've always saved up when there was something specific i was saving up for. but when no goal is in sight, i tend to be more liberal with my spending. and if there's anything i've learned, it is to have some money put away for a rainy day. so i have to start saving for nothing in particular, but just to save, so that when the road gets bumpy, i'll have something to fall back on.

3. find myself. i know i'm in here somewhere cuz feelings don't come out of nowhere but i've let myself get lost in the pretense of what folks expect me to be. i've had enough of playing at perfection. i just want to be me. crazy, foolish, determined...me.

4. get away. i'm hoping to be able to do this with toronto. to just live and not have to have my every move scrutinized. to let myself discover and experience without having to ask for permission. to not have to answer more questions about my life and what i'm doing or planning to do and when i'm getting married and whatever else they can think of.

5. stop feeling less than capable. i have to learn to expect a struggle and then teach myself to learn from that struggle rather than praying for smooth sailing. and when the road gets rough, remind myself that the Lord is on my side and He is faithful and strong enough even when i am unfaithful and weak.

Prom

for the last several weeks, we've been hunting for a decent prom dress for niki. and it has been a ridiculous affair! either it's not prom-ey enough or it doesn't fit right or it costs a fortune or her size isn't available or it looks hideous (we've seen everything from plucked chicken to vampire wear to bright barbie dresses). we did get a cute short party dress at a bargain a couple weeks ago but it's not really a "prom dress" but whatever, it looks good on her and she can have a good time in it so screw whatever prom fashion is. i've never regretted not attending my own prom. now i'm extra thankful. ball gowns are nice and all but you have to have this perfect figure to look good. either that or have it tailor made to suit you. her prom is this saturday and hair, make-up, nails, shoes, etc. are yet to be figured out. why do girls put themselves through this? well, i have to say, i'm proud of her for not letting all the craziness drag her down. there's no way i would've been able to handle the madness.

Doodling With Words

lying restless awake on this saturday night. too many thoughts in the pudding in my head. no room for sleep to make it's bed. from here to where i can hardly tell.

so i had this dream the other night. i was in mumbai. took a flight to the middle east and landed in this tiny airport with three pathetic airplanes. the flight went superfast and i didn't get anything to eat. but i got to ride in the cockpit of the airplane with the pilot. upon landing in the gulf, which looked surprisingly like mumbai, i bought myself tea and a bun. and asked the chai wala, "what place is this?" and he said, "this is taliban." i said, "this is taliban--how can that be?" and he said, "yes yes this is taliban!" from the looks of it, taliban was pretty small. there were only three houses and this chai shop where i was being enlightened.

weirdness aye?

All I'll Say

1. time doesn't heal that which isn't affected by time.

2. no one's an enemy.

3. i don't wish to rehash the recent events of my life or discuss any current leanings or feelings with anyone (so don't take it personally) but that includes you (so take it personally).

4. i'm not angry, just hurt.

5. i still love.

6. thank you all for your advice. i've learned plenty a hard lesson. if you feel like you need to furthur voice your opinion, i'll listen. don't ask for more.

7. bottom line: i don't want to talk about it.

Will Fly Again

So I always thought that family would be the people who were going to be there for you always, stick by you through thick and thin, wrestle through the difficult times, laugh through the joyful times, love you for who you are, and generally just be a support even when no one else in this world thinks you're worth supporting. This too, along with many other such notions that I conjured up in childhood, is mistaken. I never realized that family will only love and support in so far as you follow their prescribed plan and method of doing life. Why did it take me this long to find out? Because it took me this long to finally want to do my own thing. It's misleading when they say they love you, when they tell you that they trust you, when they urge you follow your dreams which in reality are their dreams. If you're lucky, your dreams will be similar to what they want for you. Otherwise, you've got a tough and lonely road ahead of you. The very people who love you to death can disown you in their next breath, so don't depend on anyone. And I say that in all seriousness without any exaggeration. It's one thing to say "Beni, we don't like the decision you're making, but we're here for you no matter what you choose." At least I can appreciate that. But saying "Beni, we don't like the decision you're making and therefore we deem you incapable of making decisions" is hurtful. I know you want to clip my wings so that I don't fly away, but they'll grow back, even if it takes months or years. And maybe I've lost my confidence and drive for now, but I'll regain it eventually in some measure. And one beautiful day, this handicapped bird will take flight, even if it means flying alone.

But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Take note: eagles fly alone.

Living

To live for the greatness of God is to live the great life.

...something from the Esther study a couple weeks ago.

Tying the Knot

What is the purpose of marriage? Ultimately the purpose of a marriage is to glorify God. But in a more temporal and personal sense, why should I choose to get married as opposed to remaining single? Because I need a man to take care of me? Bull. Because my family says I should? I'm sorry but I refuse. Because it's what people do? I'm not people. I'm me. Because it's provides security? My security is Christ. Because it's socially acceptable? Screw it. Because it's a beneficial social alliance? Maybe. But I could care less.

Abraham got Isaac a wife because God had promised that he would be a great nation so obviously Isaac had to marry at some point. Jacob fell in love with one, ended up with two, and proceeded to procreate as fast as he could. Joseph got a wife as a bonus with his position. David just kinda picked 'em up as he went along. Solomon went nuts. God told Hosea to choose a prostitute in order to make a statement. Noah had a wife though it doesn't tell us the circumstances of his marriage. Lot's wife wasn't very useful, except maybe for seasoning. The woman in the Song of Songs was desired by the king but conducting a love affair with her beloved shepherd. Aquila and Priscilla were the dynamic double team duo of the New Testment and they seemed more like work buddies rather than the traditional approach. Sure there are plenty of marriages in the Bible. Good ones, bad ones, failures and successes. But it still doesn't tell me why I should get married.

I think people get married depending on what they want or need in life. Some want a good looking spouse to ensure good looking kids. Some want a wealthy spouse to ensure financial security. Some want a spouse from a good family to ensure a lasting relationship. Some families push marriage to build a beneficial social alliance. Some just get married for the sake of getting married not really sure what to expect. And some just want the company. I'm not saying that these things are good or bad. I'm not making a judgement. I'm just trying to figure out where I stand (or fall) on the continuum of knot-tying.

I have to be honest here. I think people make marriage out to be something that it's not. And I'm not saying they don't mean well. Just that I disagree. Yes, marriage is important and marriage is for life. But so is getting a tattoo. Okay wait, I'm not attempting to belittle marriage. But I keep hearing about how marriage shouldn't be taken lightly. For heaven's sake, I know it shouldn't be taken lightly, but it also shouldn't be as burdensome as people often make it out to be. I mean, why the heck are there like eight hundred things to consider including social status, financial status, family background, spiritual level, education, job, the security they can offer, their height, their weight, their ethnic origin, denominational leanings, their citizenship, etc. What an exhaustive (and exhausting) list! Seriously, it makes me wonder why on earth God would institute something so incredibly complicated! And, maybe He didn't...

Maybe we're the ones making it all complicated and serious. Let us, for a moment, go back to Scripture:

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

I love this text. There is committment, love, sexuality, sensuality, exclusivity, acceptance, concern, companionship, etc. We find here all the concepts and ideas associated with marriage at the time of its institution. But why? Why does God even bother?

It is not good for man to be alone.

It's that simple. Why would I ever want to get married? Only if there was somebody out there that made life more worth living than if I was living it alone. God made Adam and God made Eve. When God brought Eve to Adam, I sure Adam's heart skipped a beat and he knew in an instant who the creature standing before him was. The Bible says nothing about whether she was taller or shorter or smarter or faster or richer. How did they know they were meant for each other? From the way Scripture makes it sound, I'd say perhaps it had a lot to do with that interesting little phenomenon we call...*drumroll please*...chemistry! Don't believe me? Just read the text again. I'm sure Adam was smitten the moment he laid eyes on her and I'm sure it was love at first sight for Eve. Imagine that, the first marriage initiated by chemistry. See, I really do believe that God knows what makes us feel good and He also knows what's good for us.

That's all I want to say about that for now.

The Curse of Obedience

Growing up, I'd hear over and over again about the blessings of obedience. From Exodus to Proverbs to Ephesians, we are commanded to obey. And if we obey the command, we are promised a blessing. Now, I'm not attempting to play devil's advocate, I'm only writing from my own experience. I was a kid not that long ago, doing my best to obey, hoping for a blessed life and to win the favor of God, the trust of my family, and the approval of others. But, I have to admit that I was an ignorant fool. And just in case there are others like me out there reading this, let me take a moment to warn you, not about the blessing, but about the curse of obedience.

The things I expected and mentioned above never took shape. The favor of God? God grants favor to whom He choses. You don't have to be perfect to recieve it. Lots of disobedient people have lived with the favor and blessing of God upon their life and they usually have a really awesome testimony to go with it. The trust of family? This is a myth. Such a thing will never happen. Trust itself is a myth unless we're talking about trusting the Lord. People, especially your family, will always fail you. And even if they say they trust you, I guarantee you, just do one thing they disapprove of (and I didn't say "wrong" thing, just something they don't like) and that so-called trust will fly right out the window. The approval of others? Seriously, don't bother. Ever seen a house of cards? Ever built a sand castle too close to the water? Don't build your house on the sand they say. Trying to win the approval of others is building your house on sand. First of all, it's useless. And second, it doesn't last.

Now, you may say, "You aren't supposed to obey just to get God's favor or family's trust or people's approval; but you'll still have that blessing that it promises..." Let me tell you about that blessing, or what I would call the curse of obedience, and you can decide whether or not you still want it. Let me preface this by saying that I'm not at the end of my life so I don't claim to be an authority on the matter and I guess it also depends on what kind of parents you have but once again, allow me to write from my experience.

First, when you're good all the time, people expect you to be perfect and you're held to a higher standard that your peers. Expectations are piled on top of you until you can't even take a breath to save your life. Remember that house of cards? There's always something that you have yet to do. And one wrong move can topple the whole thing over. You have to be a bright kid, then you have to get good grades, then you have to get involved in extracurriculars and excel at them, then you have to study hard in high school so you can get into a good university, then you have to pick a major with clout, then you have to do well in university so you can either go on to grad school or get a decent job, then you have to get married, then you have to have children. And when you can't meet those expectations, it really kills your confidence. For me, there were only one or two things I've ever really wanted in life and people always said, "Well, Beni, don't worry, once you do such-and-such, then no one will stop you from doing what you want." Only problem is, the such-and-such keeps reinventing itself and you're never free from that obligation.

Second, you find yourself isolated in most social situations. You won't find a whole lot of friends like you, the ones who stick to the rules. So you'll often be misunderstood even when you mean well. And if your parents are super strict, it's worse. You can't laugh at all the inside jokes because maybe you weren't allowed to hang with that crowd. You weren't allowed to see that tv show so it's difficult to enter into a conversation. Media is a huge social conditioning agent and when you're missing huge chunks of social markers that define your generation, it's difficult to relate. A social network is a support system. You build relationships by spending time with people and being able to connect at their level. And when making that connection becomes difficult or impossible, or if you aren't allowed to make that connection, life itself becomes hard.

Third, parents find it increasingly difficult to let you go. They've sheltered you for so long that putting you out into the world becomes more and more worrisome. It was hard for my parents to let me take the bus to school or go to a friend's house or choose how I dressed or wore my hair, but I obeyed and let them have their way. But now, with the big things in life, it's all the more difficult for them to let me go because I never helped them out along the way by disobeying and bursting the bubble of perfection. It's heartbreaking because I remember talking to other kids my age when they told me of their escapades, I'd always say "Well, I'm being obedient now so that later on, I know they'll trust me enough to let me make my own decisions." I know now what a load of bull that statement was.

Fourth, you just miss out on life, on being a kid, or being a teenager, on having those experiences that mature you and push you into adulthood. You never get to make those mistakes. You never really discover who you are and what you're made of because you're busy being what others (i.e. your family) think you should be. You're always worried about being good enough but no one is ever good enough, so in reality, you're grasping at shadows, trying to reach something unattainable. And every small failure, though it may be nothing, can be a huge blow to your confidence. When life is supposed to be carefree, you're carrying a heavy load. When you're supposed to be having fun, you're worried about getting dirty. You hold back out of fear and obligation and those moments eventually turn to hours, the hours turn to days, the days into months and years, and before you know it, your childhood is behind you and you realize you missed out on everything. And even if you did just throw caution aside for one short moment and do something personally fulfilling, the knowledge that you disobeyed sucks the enjoyment out of what should have been enjoyable.

See, growing up is for discovering yourself and the world around you, pushing the limits, experimenting. Don't make the mistake of trying to be obedient all the time. You can always ask for forgiveness, but permission is hard to get. Time is ticking and childhood is over before you know it. So don't waste it trying to be perfect. Make friends who are different from you. Go out on a limb and try something new. Stay out late and relish the moment. Sure you might get in trouble, but that's what being a kid is all about. It's not such a bad thing, embrace it. At least then, you'll have no regrets, no what-if's, and you won't have to feel like you missed out. In addition, it prepares your folks to loosen the reins and finally let you go when the time comes. Best of all, people don't expect so much out of you because you've already shattered their expectations. Then you're free to live, to make mistakes, to figure stuff out for yourself. That's true living.

It's been said before and I really think it's true: Rules are just guidelines, they're simply there to remind you to stay within reason. They're not absolute and the people who make them know that. For instance, if the speed limit is 25mph, nobody actually drives at 25mph. Sure they know that the rule is 25mph, but everybody will drive over the limit. And the cops don't pull you over the moment you hit 26mph. They stop you when they think you're getting dangerous. God doesn't expect us to be perfect. He knows that we're human and not god. He knows that we'll mess up sometimes and learn from those mess-ups. But you have to let the mess-ups happen before you can learn from them.

Amusements and Worries

1. so lately i've been amusing myself by playing card-jitsu on club penguin or biggest brain, word challenge, or geo challenge on facebook. amusement is a beautiful thing. and if i'm actually using my mind in the process, all the better.

2. i seriously need to exercise. no, not to lose weight, just to shape up after all my recent weight gain. but i've been lazy and i keep putting it off. maybe tomorrow?

3. found this bible reading plan on youversion.com which i've been following. it's pretty good cuz it takes you through the old testment once and the new testament twice in a year. and there are three different portions of manageable length so i've been able to keep up. it's cool cuz you can just go on the website and it links to the reading for that day and you can read it right on there and it takes maybe five or ten minutes.

4. there are some days i worry and fret over the move to toronto. am i ready to be by myself? will i be able to support myself? what if it ends up being a huge mistake? will i be able to adjust to not having the comforts of home? sure, i did have similar worries before i went to india but there was that feeling of "this is what God wants me to do" that overpowered all my fears and gave me strength to grit my teeth and make it work. toronto, on the other hand, is just a thing to do. not something i thought long and hard about and waited for years to make happen and i don't really have any clue whether it's what God wants, it's just what my mom said okay to. i know i have to be mature and take responsibility for my actions and pray about this stuff and not blame someone else if i'm not in the right place. but you know what, i tried the praying about it method and it didn't do me a whole lota good, only caused a whole bunch of sorrow and regret. so i'm gonna go with whatever mom's agreeing to at the moment. it's funny cuz it was just a passing remark i made to christine one day and i ended up actually looking into it just for the heck of it and now i'm almost there. crazy how life works. where's God in all this? maybe He's the invisible hand orchestrating all of it. i have no idea. i don't know what He does or doesn't want... i just pray that somehow, by His grace, with or without knowing it, i would be in His will and not wandering aimlessly, even though most of my life has felt like the latter.

Shopping, Time, etc.

1. spent five hours at the mall today, went into just about every decent clothing store and tried on a hundred things, and couldn't find even one article of clothing that made me happy. but i love shopping solo so i had a lovely time, even if it was vaguely depressing, considering i couldn't find anything i needed or even wanted for that matter.

2. it's tough being a woman who can balance passion with patience. so i pray Lord that You will help me to know when it's time, when it's time to wait, and when it's time to wait for someone else's timing. (that was something from last week's Esther study session.)

3. it's really annoying how i've been back in north america for the past several months, i've been sitting at home, doing absolutely nothing at all, and finally when i've got this toronto thing all planned out, all these other "opportunities" start sprouting up out of nowhere. i mean, where the heck were they all this time? and why is it always like this? as soon as i make a decision on one thing, somebody or the other has to come along with more suggestions or ideas for consideration. not that it's a bad thing. it's cool. i'll consider it. but why does everyone wait until i've figured stuff out to toss another idea into the picture? i thought only my mom did this. now it seems several others are out to confuse me as well!

4. okay, i'm ranting in #4 and it's not as horrible as i'm making it out to be. but i was a little bit irritated yesterday over it. i'm a bit of a one track mind sort of person. i have to focus on one thing and get it done before i even start to think about the next. otherwise everything goes topsy turvy in my brain. i get extremely frustrated and can't deal with it. and the more i try, the worse it gets. sometimes, i'll try to be intelligent and do two things at once--more often than not, either both will turn out to be failures, or at some point i'll have to give one up altogether in order to salvage the other. i admit it, i suck at multitasking!

5. while i'm reminiscing about my inadequacies, i guess i'll also mention that it takes me forever to make a decision. and i think that's also due to my one track mind. when choices are put before me, i can't weigh them all at once and decide. i have to put every one of my options and combinations of options through this ridiculous thought process one at a time--whether it's deciding what i'll have for lunch or what i'll do with my life.

Que Sera Sera

1. anisha made me get a club penguin account.

2. work is pleasant.

3. gained 10lbs since coming back from india.

4. who do i trust when everyone has a different story?

5. really need to update my wardrobe.

6. love watermelon but i don't like anything watermelon flavored.

7. apart from playing on wednesdays, haven't practiced guitar much.

8. finally find a hairstylist i like in atlanta and i'm leaving soon.

9. mom got facebook.

10. (still) in love.

11. it's tornado season around these parts.

12. cannot believe i'm actually going back to school.

13. whatever will be will be.

If...Then God...

This was an exercise from one of last week's lessons (from the Esther Study) that had to do with thinking through our greatest fears. I'm posting it because I don't want to forget. The "if" is our fear, the "then" is coming to terms with it in light of God's providence. After the "if" and before the "then", there will probably be plenty of heartbreak, sorrow, loss, hurt, distance and time...but after the struggle, there will be a "then" and not just a "then" but a "then God"...

If every person I love and count on fails me, then God will still be with me as He promised.

If I am confused and directionless, then God has a plan.

If I am broken beyond repair, then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me.

If I am in need and struggling to survive, then God is going to demonstrate His sufficiency to me.

If people misjudge me, then God knows my heart.

If people take advantage of me, then God will repay.

If I cannot be here for my family, then God will take care of them.

If somehow I miss God's plan for my life, then God will still love me.

If I perish, then God is still on His throne and all is not lost.

Speaks to Me

Little bits of good stuff from Beth Moore's Esther Bible Study I'm currently doing...

"When was the last time you had to risk losing face to try to save something more precious that pride?"

"Sometimes we fear that fighting for what is right will kill us. Then again, it occurs to us that to stand by and do nothing out of self-preservation is to be dead already."

"Beloved, in the times of greatest struggle when you make the Godward decision over convenience, earthly comfort, or carnal pleasure, you too have come to a critical moment in the fulfillment of your destiny. A defining moment."

"The most critical breakthrough of faith you and I could ever experience is to let God bring us to a place where we trust Him--period. We don't just trust Him to let us avoid what we fear most. We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us."

"Ironically, a person is never less aware of divine intervention than when he or she has been chosen to render it. Sometimes, God's hand is so close that it covers the eyes."

"Sometimes just surviving certain tasks without falling apart is our best and in those times God is not ashamed of our performance. He's proud of us for fighting overwhelming human emotions to do His will."

"Any time He calls us to die, His purpose is to reveal larger life."

I think recently I've taken the easy way out to make people happy with me and I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. Mainly because I made the decision out of fear. My feelings haven't changed.

My Day Described

valentine's day was surprisingly pleasant. i went to work, came home after 4pm and thought about going to sleep and being generally miserable. then i get call from mom and niki who are at the mall needing help shopping for prom dresses for the latter. so i go over. we didn't find any dresses we liked, but i did find some random stuff on clearance. flowery, bright, girly stuff that i really shouldn't even be thinking about. but what can i say, i can't work at a bridal boutique wearing my regular black and boring attire. speaking of work, today was my first real day where i actually helped one customer. went through invitations, response cards, reception cards, ink colors, pictures, pricing, etc. got to witness giddy brides mulling for two hours over whether they prefer the blue ribbon or the chocolate brown. (ridiculous, in my opinion!) not only that, it's insane the exorbitant amount of money people spend on these things. i'm flabbergasted! (yes, i used that word i think for the first time in my life. point being, i really was astonished.) notice to the world: chances are i won't ever be married. but if i am, rest assured i will not be sending you any invitation cards or the like. and if i get to marry the person i choose to marry, there probably won't even be a wedding as you imagine a wedding to be. anyhow, i like working again. even if it isn't much, it's something. now, back to the shopping with mom and niki, so we hung out at the mall until it closed and then decided to go out to dinner. went to p.f.chang's first, but they had a two hour wait so we went to chili's instead. shared fajitas, ribs, and that molten chocolate cake thing with ice cream on top...yum! then we came home and watched taare zameen par. and now i'm sitting here at 2:43am, about to fall asleep... but not without saying "happy birthday daddy" because it is his birthday today (feb. 15). although i don't think the date of his natural birth matters as much as his spiritual rebirth considering he's with Jesus now. but i do miss him. yeah, i love my family. i really do. but there is one other person i miss a whole lot too and i still wish...

Thoughts On Love

"beloved, let us love one another..." 1 john 4:7

"when i found the one my heart loves. i held him and would not let him go..." song of solomon 3:4

"love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 corinthians 13:7

Storm Clouds Gather

1. i almost got this job for four hours a week helping a lady with her laundry and ironing. i have no problem with doing such a job cuz i could really use the money. but mom says no. whether or not you agree with her, the point is that it was a few hours of honest labor for a few bucks. and even that is not allowed for me. "find a better job" they say. i'll tell you what i'm finding-- frustration.... everywhere i turn.

2. you asked me not to talk? fine. not to email? fine. not to chat? fine. not to have any communication? fine. but, not to hope? not to remember? not to feel? tell me, should i cut out my heart and bury it in the ground? or maybe i should just bury all of me? go ahead, tell me what to do. but don't tell me how to feel. because i can't do anything about the way i feel. it is what it is.

3. had a doctor's appointment today. talked to her about some stuff going on with my body for the last several years. at the end of everything, she asks me, "are you an anxious person?" i laughed when she asked. but it's true.

4. i know the value of education but i've come to despise the fact that i have a degree because it puts me in a certain category or class. which would be fine except that everyone seems to want to box me in. i didn't get an education so i could be better than somebody else or think more highly of myself. i got an education simply to get a education, to learn. and of course, because my parents made it a requirement if i was to ever leave and go for missions.

5. unfortunately, a new condition has been added, which is that if i want to go back, i can only go back with a husband, which i find completely unreasonable. the original agreement with my parents was that i finish my education and get a degree before launching into unknown territory. so it's rather unfair to spring this on me now. you may think me disobedient but i refuse. and thankfully, having realized the kind of person i'd choose to marry, they've decided it's probably better if i don't get married. except now the going back to india is kinda in jeopardy.

6. that burial idea sounds pretty good. if only suicide didn't promise hell.

7. God? i could really use a hand....

Hope Lives Here

1. hope. i tried to let it go for a moment and the moment was unbearable. so i'm holding on to hope. say what you will. tell me i'm disobedient or that i'm nuts. but hope is mine for the hoping. and i can't let it go.

2. i got something of a part time job working at this bridal boutique where they sell just about everything except the gown. it's a pretty little store right in the center of roswell called la vita allegra owned and operated by someone from church.

3. "the Lord will perfect that which concerns me; your mercy, o Lord, endures forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands." psalm 138:8

4. my God is good and He is faithful.

Broken

there is nothing left
no purpose for anything
even tears have run dry
hope, they say, is hard to kill
but that has been done too
my heart on a platter
my soul at the stake
my spirit broken
i have prayed
"Lord, i will go
wherever You send me
even some remote village
and serve You there
all the days of my life
and never question
only surrender"
"Lord, i will lay down
my life for Your purpose
even if it means death
i pray You give me courage
all the days of my life
to never question
only surrender"
the day has come
He has asked of me
something far more difficult
that is, to give up
someone i love so dearly
but i was unwilling
i questioned, pleaded, hoped
but He kept asking
the time has come
to surrender, to release
and as i unclench my fists
crumble to the ground
face in the dust
tears pouring out
i realize...
now i'm ready
to surrender completely
everything has been taken
nothing is left
stripped naked and helpless
as the day i was born
now, all attachments severed
i can go to that remote village
all reason for living forfeited
i can offer my life
even if it means death
nothing to hold on to
no one to walk with
i am alone
with Jesus