Day 8

i have too many jumbled thoughts churning around in my head and they're far too tangled to organize into a cohesive blog post so i'm going to just vent. warning: you probably shouldn't read further. you may ask, well then why are you posting it? let me remind you, this is my blog. the one place on the planet (and it's not even a physical space) where i can stutter and contemplate and let myself be me. i don't write for anyone else. these posts are personal. so read only if you feel so inclined. but keep in mind you've been warned. having said that, here goes. i have a whole bunch of people's opinions crammed into my head. i know what the Bible says about obedience and i also know what it says about prejudice. i don't know where in the Bible it says that committing to someone in marriage follows a different set of rules and guidelines than everything else in life. i know what common sense tells me and i also know that common sense isn't always 'God-sense'. Jesus said to look at the lilies and not to worry about tomorrow but it's also written that we are to be wise and not foolish. i don't know why i feel the way i feel. i don't understand why God allows things to happen sometimes. there have been moments i've been in God's presense but then decisions i've made in those moments seem to be wrong -- i'd really like to know how and why that happens. i'm human and i know it, which is why i have to depend so completely on God. sometimes, discernment escapes me. sometimes, i behave foolishly. i honestly don't have a whole lot of confidence in myself, none actually. i'm ridiculously shy, self-conscious, and insecure. yeah okay, so you get to read about my dirty laundry. everything i am, everything i've done, everything i hope and dream for the future is because of Him and through Him. i am His child and i trust that He will take care of me. i'm sick of explaining myself. i'm sick of feeling like i'm in the wrong. i remember those first weeks -- a stirring of the heart, reluctance, happiness, fear, hope, taking a chance, feeling awake, peace, conversations, time spent together, dreams. we didn't expect anything. no hidden agenda. no ulterior motives. it was childish maybe, but it was real. it was foolish perhaps, but it was sincere. and then you open your heart to people only to have them rip it apart and you're left with only shreds of what used to be. i hate that i care so much what people think. how a comment from someone can make me go back to square one and question and doubt myself and the situation. okay, so i'm a mess. and i'm a mess because i'm an idiot who opened my mouth and my heart for the world to see. they've always thought that i was naive, foolish, easily tricked. maybe i am. but i have my Maker looking out for me. so i've never bothered. i've been taken advantage of in the past. and i'm sure it will happen again in the future. does that mean i lose all faith in myself and people let my family decide everything for me? hopefully not. it doesn't make sense. nothing makes sense. life itself doesn't make sense. for a fleeting moment, i chose to see the world through the lens of love without condition. acceptance without prejudice. and it was beautiful and painful all at the same time. and now they tell me that i can't look at the world that way. that class and status and society and race and money and all these humanly concocted ideas somehow trump simplicity and sincerity and love. what is left to live for? i fail to see the truth in it. the idea that we can help them from our higher position but we cannot associate and bring ourselves to their level. it's no different than looking down on them, asserting and reitering that they are and always will be below us. how does that fit with Scripture admonishing us to think of others as higher than ourselves? tell me, why did Jesus leave Heaven and become a man? i'm confused. utterly and completely confused. i'm frustrated with myself. i'm frustrated with people. and i'm frustrated with God. i chose to love out of a sincere heart and now i've been made to feel bad about it. i don't understand it. the whole world can judge me. i have no response. and if this is wrong, then, GOD, where were You those days!!?? where are You now??!! and how am i supposed to discern what You want? everyone's voices keep blaring in my head and i can't even think clearly anymore. i've become an embarrassment. God, i really need You! i don't want to make mistakes and screw up. i don't want to walk away from You. i don't want to dishonor to Your name. i can't see people's hearts and i can't judge character. please bring clarity because this burden is too much for me to bear. i'm not strong. i'm not even sure i'm sane. and i keep asking for wisdom but i just feel like i'm growing more foolish by the day. and within this wretched heart, that crazy unexpected love that came out of nowhere still survives.