The Curse of Obedience

Growing up, I'd hear over and over again about the blessings of obedience. From Exodus to Proverbs to Ephesians, we are commanded to obey. And if we obey the command, we are promised a blessing. Now, I'm not attempting to play devil's advocate, I'm only writing from my own experience. I was a kid not that long ago, doing my best to obey, hoping for a blessed life and to win the favor of God, the trust of my family, and the approval of others. But, I have to admit that I was an ignorant fool. And just in case there are others like me out there reading this, let me take a moment to warn you, not about the blessing, but about the curse of obedience.

The things I expected and mentioned above never took shape. The favor of God? God grants favor to whom He choses. You don't have to be perfect to recieve it. Lots of disobedient people have lived with the favor and blessing of God upon their life and they usually have a really awesome testimony to go with it. The trust of family? This is a myth. Such a thing will never happen. Trust itself is a myth unless we're talking about trusting the Lord. People, especially your family, will always fail you. And even if they say they trust you, I guarantee you, just do one thing they disapprove of (and I didn't say "wrong" thing, just something they don't like) and that so-called trust will fly right out the window. The approval of others? Seriously, don't bother. Ever seen a house of cards? Ever built a sand castle too close to the water? Don't build your house on the sand they say. Trying to win the approval of others is building your house on sand. First of all, it's useless. And second, it doesn't last.

Now, you may say, "You aren't supposed to obey just to get God's favor or family's trust or people's approval; but you'll still have that blessing that it promises..." Let me tell you about that blessing, or what I would call the curse of obedience, and you can decide whether or not you still want it. Let me preface this by saying that I'm not at the end of my life so I don't claim to be an authority on the matter and I guess it also depends on what kind of parents you have but once again, allow me to write from my experience.

First, when you're good all the time, people expect you to be perfect and you're held to a higher standard that your peers. Expectations are piled on top of you until you can't even take a breath to save your life. Remember that house of cards? There's always something that you have yet to do. And one wrong move can topple the whole thing over. You have to be a bright kid, then you have to get good grades, then you have to get involved in extracurriculars and excel at them, then you have to study hard in high school so you can get into a good university, then you have to pick a major with clout, then you have to do well in university so you can either go on to grad school or get a decent job, then you have to get married, then you have to have children. And when you can't meet those expectations, it really kills your confidence. For me, there were only one or two things I've ever really wanted in life and people always said, "Well, Beni, don't worry, once you do such-and-such, then no one will stop you from doing what you want." Only problem is, the such-and-such keeps reinventing itself and you're never free from that obligation.

Second, you find yourself isolated in most social situations. You won't find a whole lot of friends like you, the ones who stick to the rules. So you'll often be misunderstood even when you mean well. And if your parents are super strict, it's worse. You can't laugh at all the inside jokes because maybe you weren't allowed to hang with that crowd. You weren't allowed to see that tv show so it's difficult to enter into a conversation. Media is a huge social conditioning agent and when you're missing huge chunks of social markers that define your generation, it's difficult to relate. A social network is a support system. You build relationships by spending time with people and being able to connect at their level. And when making that connection becomes difficult or impossible, or if you aren't allowed to make that connection, life itself becomes hard.

Third, parents find it increasingly difficult to let you go. They've sheltered you for so long that putting you out into the world becomes more and more worrisome. It was hard for my parents to let me take the bus to school or go to a friend's house or choose how I dressed or wore my hair, but I obeyed and let them have their way. But now, with the big things in life, it's all the more difficult for them to let me go because I never helped them out along the way by disobeying and bursting the bubble of perfection. It's heartbreaking because I remember talking to other kids my age when they told me of their escapades, I'd always say "Well, I'm being obedient now so that later on, I know they'll trust me enough to let me make my own decisions." I know now what a load of bull that statement was.

Fourth, you just miss out on life, on being a kid, or being a teenager, on having those experiences that mature you and push you into adulthood. You never get to make those mistakes. You never really discover who you are and what you're made of because you're busy being what others (i.e. your family) think you should be. You're always worried about being good enough but no one is ever good enough, so in reality, you're grasping at shadows, trying to reach something unattainable. And every small failure, though it may be nothing, can be a huge blow to your confidence. When life is supposed to be carefree, you're carrying a heavy load. When you're supposed to be having fun, you're worried about getting dirty. You hold back out of fear and obligation and those moments eventually turn to hours, the hours turn to days, the days into months and years, and before you know it, your childhood is behind you and you realize you missed out on everything. And even if you did just throw caution aside for one short moment and do something personally fulfilling, the knowledge that you disobeyed sucks the enjoyment out of what should have been enjoyable.

See, growing up is for discovering yourself and the world around you, pushing the limits, experimenting. Don't make the mistake of trying to be obedient all the time. You can always ask for forgiveness, but permission is hard to get. Time is ticking and childhood is over before you know it. So don't waste it trying to be perfect. Make friends who are different from you. Go out on a limb and try something new. Stay out late and relish the moment. Sure you might get in trouble, but that's what being a kid is all about. It's not such a bad thing, embrace it. At least then, you'll have no regrets, no what-if's, and you won't have to feel like you missed out. In addition, it prepares your folks to loosen the reins and finally let you go when the time comes. Best of all, people don't expect so much out of you because you've already shattered their expectations. Then you're free to live, to make mistakes, to figure stuff out for yourself. That's true living.

It's been said before and I really think it's true: Rules are just guidelines, they're simply there to remind you to stay within reason. They're not absolute and the people who make them know that. For instance, if the speed limit is 25mph, nobody actually drives at 25mph. Sure they know that the rule is 25mph, but everybody will drive over the limit. And the cops don't pull you over the moment you hit 26mph. They stop you when they think you're getting dangerous. God doesn't expect us to be perfect. He knows that we're human and not god. He knows that we'll mess up sometimes and learn from those mess-ups. But you have to let the mess-ups happen before you can learn from them.