Where Angels Are

I realize I haven't blogged very much for the past couple months. In fact, I've seriously considered quitting blogging altogether...haven't come to any final decision on that, yet. Anyhow, there's been so much happening of late, I'm just kind of enjoying God's blessings, rather than trying to figure everything out. But if you know me, you know that that's not going to last long. I'm very much a dreamer and I like to figure stuff out and think things through even if it means saying "I don't know what I'm doing but I'm willing to trust God" at the end of it. And since this blog is my means of doing the "figuring", there's not a huge chance it's going away anytime soon. Having said that, I'm here writing because there's a lot on my mind and I need to write...

So after the long struggle with all the powers that be, I am finally on my own here in Toronto and life has been strangely wonderful. It wasn't that easy getting here, but here I am. Singapore didn't work out, but Toronto has been just as, if not more, perfect for this season. And India didn't work out, but I know that I'll be back one day when God thinks I'm ready, and I'm happy letting Him work that out for me. Living with Christine has been good. I've never lived with anyone apart from family before so this is a new experience for me. So if you have any questions about me as a person, my character or capabilities, you're free to talk to her.

Even though everything has been wonderful, I really needed a God-encounter. It wasn't that I was away from God or anything, but I just needed God to grab me by the shoulders and say, "Beni, I'm still at work here so have a little faith in Me!" And this past week has been just that. I've been attending these meetings where Shyju Mathew is ministering, and every message has been so perfectly suited to my current situation, I know that God orchestrated it all. Can I just say how amazed I am at His love for me!

There are a several things I've been trying the last few months to come to terms with. And I'm going to try to explain my way through a couple of them because I've finally found the strength and courage to do so. One thing that I need to state here (which may or may not make sense to you): the last year and half was by no means a mistake. God was in it every step of the way and I was walking with Him. Sure He kind of messed up all my plans and all the plans my family had for me. But it has been a thoroughly fulfilling sort of mess up which I don't really think was a mess up at all. I have always known that my life is different. I have not ever lived an ordinary life or had an ordinary Christian experience. There is something much deeper and bolder that has been stirring in my spirit for most of my life and for anyone to think that God was going to lead me in the humanly prescribed way is simply ridiculous. I'm not going to live my life skipping along green meadows and taking the easy, respectable route to eternity. No way! I always have and always will veer off the beaten path and carve out my own undignified and eccentric way however God chooses to lead me.

A second point I have to make is this: I'm His child, yes, but I'm no longer a child and no longer a teenager or even a "young" adult. I'm a woman and no ordinary woman at that, I'm a woman of God. I have a good sense of who I am as a person, what I'm capable of, and what are my likes and dislikes. Having said that, I should also add. The decisions I make are not the result of superficial whims and fancies. They have been thought through, prayed about, and sufficiently agonized over. Not to mention, they're mine to make.

To be honest, the last few months, I have been second guessing everything about myself. I couldn't tell whether God had really called me or if I was imagining it or if He was just messing with my head. It felt like the best days of my life were behind me. I didn't know if I would ever play guitar and lead worship again. Or if I would ever be plugged into a church and serving in the capacity that I was used to serving in, because that part of me felt so far removed from the present reality. I didn't know if the emotions and feelings and dreams and everything else brewing on the inside of me would ever come to be accepted or even just come to be a reality regardless of whether it was accepted. I was tired of trying to explain myself to everyone. It was like I would explain my heart out and all I felt in the end was that no one understood or even cared to understand because they had already formed their own opinions. But God spoke to all these issues. Here's just a sampling of everything He had to say...

I learned that my best days were not behind me, in fact, everything I've experienced in Him so far was only a "demo" of what is to come. That in itself is a phenomenal thought.

I learned that there were certain doors that God had shut, not because it wasn't in His will, but because He wants me to faithfully cry out to Him with childlike dependence.

Isaiah 41:15 : "Behold, I make of you a threshing sledge, new, sharp, and having teeth; you shall thresh the mountains and crush them, and you shall make the hills like chaff."

I learned that when God interferes in your life, nobody will understand it but you. And don't wait for everybody to accept your dream.

Last night was probably my favourite. The message was entitled "Birthing the Impossible" and there's so much I want to say about that, but I think I'll just keep that revelation in my heart until the appropriate time.

The whole week has been amazing. Christine and I have been talking about stuff for the past couple months and it was like God had been listening in on all our conversations and this week He decided to bring confirmation for everything.

The most important revelation that took place this week didn't come in a meeting, however. I think it was Monday morning, I woke up and was still hiding under the covers, just thinking about God, life, stuff, etc. I had known for some time that I was in a season and things people said, Scripture I had read, messages that had resonated within me, and thoughts and emotions kept replaying in my head, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was God was trying to teach me through it all. But lying there on my bed, all of a sudden, it hit me: God's Will isn't always what "seems right" or "works out"; sometimes, it means facing hardships and ridicule and pressing on despite setbacks.

It's funny because usually we think that if something is part of God's will for you, then it will automatically work out. And on some level, this is true. But on a deeper level, I would argue on a more mature level, most of the time, you have to fight for it. Hannah had to cry and plead for Samuel. Hagar cried out to the Lord and He lead her to a well that provided her sustenance. Rachel struggled so much to conceive Joseph. Joseph had to struggle all through his life in order to see the fulfillment of God's promise. David was a fugitive for many years before he finally became King. And the list goes on; I won't even mention all our modern day examples of people who had to struggle through their lives but ended up accomplishing monumental feats.

Imagine if Hannah has said, "God, You have closed up my womb, but I accept it because You know what is best." What if David had said, "If I was really meant to be king, then God would have opened all the doors and I wouldn't have to run for my life. I'll just sit over here and practice my harp." What if Paul had said, "If God wanted me to preach, He would have protected me from harm." See how silly it sounds? Great things are not accomplished by people who do what sounds like the most sane option. Great things are accomplished by people who are counted foolish by the wise of this world because they choose the ridiculous.

So anyways, to try and wrap this up... I believe that the desires that God has put within me have not died as a result of the struggle. They're just dormant, lying in wait for me to start crying out to God and praying His will into my life. The doors may have closed for now, but they haven't closed forever. I'm so excited! I serve an awesome God who has awesome plans for my life. He's given me a tiny glimpse, a little taste, and I'm stoked!

Before I end the post here, something really cool happened the other night. I think it was Tuesday. There was an alter call and myself and Christine found ourselves up there yet again. And at one point in the service, Shyju said something like "The presence of God is here, if you want to feel it, just put your hands in the air and begin worshipping the Lord." And I just put my hands in the air, not really expecting to feel anything because I generally don't "feel" stuff like that. But as I put my hands up, my eyes were closed, and all of a sudden I was very aware of the presence of angels in that place. I quickly opened my eyes thinking that I was going crazy, but that feeling like angels were in that place wouldn't go away. I keep peering into the air, on the ceiling and I didn't see anything. I couldn't see any angels, but I felt them and I knew they were there. I have never experienced something like that before in my life. It was something special and I thank God for it.

So here I stand. In that precious middle ground, where one season ends and another begins, where revelation happens and pieces of this grand puzzle called life begin to fit together, where angels are and God's presence is tangible. We pause to savour, but not for long, because its onward to the next thing God has in store.

I am nothing. Jesus is everything.

Beni