A Hermit Rambling

Yeah so I'm a bit of a hermit. I live in this big crazy city and I prefer to just be at home. I have to admit, years of just staying home and not being allowed to go and just hang out somewhere has really rubbed off on me. Even when I have the opportunity, I won't take it. I hate that about me. But whatever. The less I get out, the more money I save. My social life consists of work, the classroom, and talking to close family. Now, before you go feeling sorry for me, let me say two things. One, don't, because I hate pity. Two, I love it. There's peace. I am my own person. The particulars of what I do everyday is kept personal. I don't have to explain myself and I like not having to explain myself. So yeah, full time work, full time school. Sure it's nuts but being busy again is good.

In other news, I really really miss certain people who are as much a part of my life as they ever were. Memories. Everywhere. In every corner of my existence, I just can't get away from them. So many memories, I don't know what to do, how to deal with it. Sometimes, I just want to sit and think and remember. But when I do that, I start to go crazy. No joke. A million pictures in my head. Literally, a storm of emotions. People. Places. Experiences. Houses. Smells. Faces. Sounds. Trains. Voices. Certain time periods that I want to re-live over and over again. It's hard to breathe sometimes. Sometimes, I wish I could somehow escape these boundaries of time and space. I wish I could go back in time but I can't and even if I could, would it be better or would I just miss it more? I feel like I've lived a lifetime. I know that 25 years is nothing. But it feels like much more. And if this is how life feels, I'm not sure I want to continue. But then I remember that my experiences are intricately tied into the people around me and if I stop experiencing, whether I choose it or it is chosen for me, I also bring something of an end to certain experiences of those near to me. And so I press on. Still hoping that somehow, certain memories that have become dreams will someday turn into reality. And for that which can't come back around, I'll wait for eternity. If there's one thing I've learned, it's to wait. There's always tomorrow. But someday, when all the tomorrows become yesterdays, I hope that I will have arrived to wherever it is I'm going.