Shopping, Time, etc.

1. spent five hours at the mall today, went into just about every decent clothing store and tried on a hundred things, and couldn't find even one article of clothing that made me happy. but i love shopping solo so i had a lovely time, even if it was vaguely depressing, considering i couldn't find anything i needed or even wanted for that matter.

2. it's tough being a woman who can balance passion with patience. so i pray Lord that You will help me to know when it's time, when it's time to wait, and when it's time to wait for someone else's timing. (that was something from last week's Esther study session.)

3. it's really annoying how i've been back in north america for the past several months, i've been sitting at home, doing absolutely nothing at all, and finally when i've got this toronto thing all planned out, all these other "opportunities" start sprouting up out of nowhere. i mean, where the heck were they all this time? and why is it always like this? as soon as i make a decision on one thing, somebody or the other has to come along with more suggestions or ideas for consideration. not that it's a bad thing. it's cool. i'll consider it. but why does everyone wait until i've figured stuff out to toss another idea into the picture? i thought only my mom did this. now it seems several others are out to confuse me as well!

4. okay, i'm ranting in #4 and it's not as horrible as i'm making it out to be. but i was a little bit irritated yesterday over it. i'm a bit of a one track mind sort of person. i have to focus on one thing and get it done before i even start to think about the next. otherwise everything goes topsy turvy in my brain. i get extremely frustrated and can't deal with it. and the more i try, the worse it gets. sometimes, i'll try to be intelligent and do two things at once--more often than not, either both will turn out to be failures, or at some point i'll have to give one up altogether in order to salvage the other. i admit it, i suck at multitasking!

5. while i'm reminiscing about my inadequacies, i guess i'll also mention that it takes me forever to make a decision. and i think that's also due to my one track mind. when choices are put before me, i can't weigh them all at once and decide. i have to put every one of my options and combinations of options through this ridiculous thought process one at a time--whether it's deciding what i'll have for lunch or what i'll do with my life.

Que Sera Sera

1. anisha made me get a club penguin account.

2. work is pleasant.

3. gained 10lbs since coming back from india.

4. who do i trust when everyone has a different story?

5. really need to update my wardrobe.

6. love watermelon but i don't like anything watermelon flavored.

7. apart from playing on wednesdays, haven't practiced guitar much.

8. finally find a hairstylist i like in atlanta and i'm leaving soon.

9. mom got facebook.

10. (still) in love.

11. it's tornado season around these parts.

12. cannot believe i'm actually going back to school.

13. whatever will be will be.

If...Then God...

This was an exercise from one of last week's lessons (from the Esther Study) that had to do with thinking through our greatest fears. I'm posting it because I don't want to forget. The "if" is our fear, the "then" is coming to terms with it in light of God's providence. After the "if" and before the "then", there will probably be plenty of heartbreak, sorrow, loss, hurt, distance and time...but after the struggle, there will be a "then" and not just a "then" but a "then God"...

If every person I love and count on fails me, then God will still be with me as He promised.

If I am confused and directionless, then God has a plan.

If I am broken beyond repair, then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me.

If I am in need and struggling to survive, then God is going to demonstrate His sufficiency to me.

If people misjudge me, then God knows my heart.

If people take advantage of me, then God will repay.

If I cannot be here for my family, then God will take care of them.

If somehow I miss God's plan for my life, then God will still love me.

If I perish, then God is still on His throne and all is not lost.

Speaks to Me

Little bits of good stuff from Beth Moore's Esther Bible Study I'm currently doing...

"When was the last time you had to risk losing face to try to save something more precious that pride?"

"Sometimes we fear that fighting for what is right will kill us. Then again, it occurs to us that to stand by and do nothing out of self-preservation is to be dead already."

"Beloved, in the times of greatest struggle when you make the Godward decision over convenience, earthly comfort, or carnal pleasure, you too have come to a critical moment in the fulfillment of your destiny. A defining moment."

"The most critical breakthrough of faith you and I could ever experience is to let God bring us to a place where we trust Him--period. We don't just trust Him to let us avoid what we fear most. We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us."

"Ironically, a person is never less aware of divine intervention than when he or she has been chosen to render it. Sometimes, God's hand is so close that it covers the eyes."

"Sometimes just surviving certain tasks without falling apart is our best and in those times God is not ashamed of our performance. He's proud of us for fighting overwhelming human emotions to do His will."

"Any time He calls us to die, His purpose is to reveal larger life."

I think recently I've taken the easy way out to make people happy with me and I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. Mainly because I made the decision out of fear. My feelings haven't changed.

My Day Described

valentine's day was surprisingly pleasant. i went to work, came home after 4pm and thought about going to sleep and being generally miserable. then i get call from mom and niki who are at the mall needing help shopping for prom dresses for the latter. so i go over. we didn't find any dresses we liked, but i did find some random stuff on clearance. flowery, bright, girly stuff that i really shouldn't even be thinking about. but what can i say, i can't work at a bridal boutique wearing my regular black and boring attire. speaking of work, today was my first real day where i actually helped one customer. went through invitations, response cards, reception cards, ink colors, pictures, pricing, etc. got to witness giddy brides mulling for two hours over whether they prefer the blue ribbon or the chocolate brown. (ridiculous, in my opinion!) not only that, it's insane the exorbitant amount of money people spend on these things. i'm flabbergasted! (yes, i used that word i think for the first time in my life. point being, i really was astonished.) notice to the world: chances are i won't ever be married. but if i am, rest assured i will not be sending you any invitation cards or the like. and if i get to marry the person i choose to marry, there probably won't even be a wedding as you imagine a wedding to be. anyhow, i like working again. even if it isn't much, it's something. now, back to the shopping with mom and niki, so we hung out at the mall until it closed and then decided to go out to dinner. went to p.f.chang's first, but they had a two hour wait so we went to chili's instead. shared fajitas, ribs, and that molten chocolate cake thing with ice cream on top...yum! then we came home and watched taare zameen par. and now i'm sitting here at 2:43am, about to fall asleep... but not without saying "happy birthday daddy" because it is his birthday today (feb. 15). although i don't think the date of his natural birth matters as much as his spiritual rebirth considering he's with Jesus now. but i do miss him. yeah, i love my family. i really do. but there is one other person i miss a whole lot too and i still wish...

Thoughts On Love

"beloved, let us love one another..." 1 john 4:7

"when i found the one my heart loves. i held him and would not let him go..." song of solomon 3:4

"love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 corinthians 13:7

Storm Clouds Gather

1. i almost got this job for four hours a week helping a lady with her laundry and ironing. i have no problem with doing such a job cuz i could really use the money. but mom says no. whether or not you agree with her, the point is that it was a few hours of honest labor for a few bucks. and even that is not allowed for me. "find a better job" they say. i'll tell you what i'm finding-- frustration.... everywhere i turn.

2. you asked me not to talk? fine. not to email? fine. not to chat? fine. not to have any communication? fine. but, not to hope? not to remember? not to feel? tell me, should i cut out my heart and bury it in the ground? or maybe i should just bury all of me? go ahead, tell me what to do. but don't tell me how to feel. because i can't do anything about the way i feel. it is what it is.

3. had a doctor's appointment today. talked to her about some stuff going on with my body for the last several years. at the end of everything, she asks me, "are you an anxious person?" i laughed when she asked. but it's true.

4. i know the value of education but i've come to despise the fact that i have a degree because it puts me in a certain category or class. which would be fine except that everyone seems to want to box me in. i didn't get an education so i could be better than somebody else or think more highly of myself. i got an education simply to get a education, to learn. and of course, because my parents made it a requirement if i was to ever leave and go for missions.

5. unfortunately, a new condition has been added, which is that if i want to go back, i can only go back with a husband, which i find completely unreasonable. the original agreement with my parents was that i finish my education and get a degree before launching into unknown territory. so it's rather unfair to spring this on me now. you may think me disobedient but i refuse. and thankfully, having realized the kind of person i'd choose to marry, they've decided it's probably better if i don't get married. except now the going back to india is kinda in jeopardy.

6. that burial idea sounds pretty good. if only suicide didn't promise hell.

7. God? i could really use a hand....

Hope Lives Here

1. hope. i tried to let it go for a moment and the moment was unbearable. so i'm holding on to hope. say what you will. tell me i'm disobedient or that i'm nuts. but hope is mine for the hoping. and i can't let it go.

2. i got something of a part time job working at this bridal boutique where they sell just about everything except the gown. it's a pretty little store right in the center of roswell called la vita allegra owned and operated by someone from church.

3. "the Lord will perfect that which concerns me; your mercy, o Lord, endures forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands." psalm 138:8

4. my God is good and He is faithful.

Broken

there is nothing left
no purpose for anything
even tears have run dry
hope, they say, is hard to kill
but that has been done too
my heart on a platter
my soul at the stake
my spirit broken
i have prayed
"Lord, i will go
wherever You send me
even some remote village
and serve You there
all the days of my life
and never question
only surrender"
"Lord, i will lay down
my life for Your purpose
even if it means death
i pray You give me courage
all the days of my life
to never question
only surrender"
the day has come
He has asked of me
something far more difficult
that is, to give up
someone i love so dearly
but i was unwilling
i questioned, pleaded, hoped
but He kept asking
the time has come
to surrender, to release
and as i unclench my fists
crumble to the ground
face in the dust
tears pouring out
i realize...
now i'm ready
to surrender completely
everything has been taken
nothing is left
stripped naked and helpless
as the day i was born
now, all attachments severed
i can go to that remote village
all reason for living forfeited
i can offer my life
even if it means death
nothing to hold on to
no one to walk with
i am alone
with Jesus

Disgusted With Myself

it really bothers me how people can take something so simple, so innocent, so beautiful, so perfect, and turn it into something ugly and embarrassing by creating their own stories and lies based on their preconceived ideas. then they slap a "this is wrong" label on it. and because i'm a single woman who has to "submit" to just about every other person i know, suddenly it's a matter of humility, obedience, respect, etc. it's happened again and again and again...and again. one more regret. one more hurt. one more blow. but this ship was nearly sinking. and this one was one too many. the worst part is that i just stand by and let it continue thinking it's what God wants. but if it's what God wants, then why do i have so many regrets? one way or the other, i still lose. i guess it's my lot in life.

absolutely disgusted with myself.

Don't Waste Your Time

okay, this is crazy! i wasn't trying to decieve anyone. as mentioned before, the separation wasn't absolute and words were exchanged when circumstances came up. i'm really frustrated with all of you expecting so much of me. and the stuff people are saying really hurts. i can't be what you want. it was never meant to be a total break to pray and see whether or not this is what i wanted. i already know that it is. it was just a short hold off to satisfy the ones who thought that a separation would make me forget. doesn't mean i wasn't praying. but you know what, if you all are right, if i am wrong, if God isn't in this, then where does that leave me? if my prayers mean nothing, if my desires are naive, and if there's always something wrong with the decisions i make...then what's the point of going on? i'm not of any use to anybody--not this world, and definitely not to God (if He's real, that is). maybe i'm just fooling myself. i mean really...what insane person wants to give up everything and struggle through life? who the hell is crazy enough to see potential in an impossibility? and what kind of loser would want to work at a job that is overly risky and underappreciated? oh right, that would be me, the lunatic. just call me dumbass. the world would be a better place without fools like me. allow me to relieve you of my presence.

Day 18

i quit.

Day 17

"...for it is God who works in you both to will and to act according to His good pleasure." Philippians 2:13

Day 16

I am Thine, O Lord, I have heard Thy voice
And it told Thy love to me
But I long to rise in the arms of faith
And be closer drawn to Thee

Consecrate me now to Thy service, Lord
By the power of grace divine
Let my soul look up with a steadfast hope
And my will be lost in Thine

- from the hymn "I Am Thine, O Lord"

Day 15

didn't ask
wasn't searching
couldn't have imagined
unexpected

one look
two songs
three words
a bond

suddenly
a part of me
sleeping
awakes

fear
threatens
confuses
hurts

hope sustained
truth embraced
forgiveness, grace
love triumphs

growing stronger
trusting ever
towards a future
together

impossible
remarkable
beautiful
a miracle

Day 14

"The Thief" - Brooke Fraser

Your eyes are full
Full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
At me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging, without giving us any say

You sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
With secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets in second-hand books
Playing the chords in me nobody knew how to play

You sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief I give the key to

It fits in your hand like the water in rain
Unlocks our two different selves
And shows we are the same
Rather than wait til I
Put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
and I'm letting you

Your eyes are full
Full of the future of us...