Beautiful Feet

so the last couple weeks, i've been doing this study at church called "sharing Jesus without fear" and it has been really great. i needed it. i remember when i was younger, i was never afraid of anyone or anything. i was just as passionate as i am right now but with a whole lot less fear. somehow after high school and university and studying and realizing that life and the facts of it are much more complicated than i care to imagine, i've become a whole lot more quiet about my faith. or i'll rely on my knowledge or experience when i talk to people about Christ and not as much on the power of the Spirit, which is wrong. this study has really helped me to focus in on evangelism in the right way...using Scripture, keeping my mouth shut, and letting the Holy Spirit work. in a way, it has also been humbling. because so many times, we think that with everything we know, we can answer all their questions and whatnot, but really, salvation is a work of the Holy Spirit and not our ability to persuade. it also takes off a lot of the pressure that we put on ourselves. and to be completely honest, i've been so focused on missions and frustrated with having to come home that i haven't given a whole lot of thought or committment to evangelism. but God's reminding me that the Bible not only commands us to go and share the gospel, but to share the gospel as we go. these next couple years, as i will be studying, working, and whatever else comes my way, i pray that my first priority will be sharing the gospel with the people around me. and yes, one day i will go. but for now, i will be content to let the Lord use me however He will...to have beautiful feet not only after i get there, but to have beautiful feet even as i am going.

Unusually Affectionate

so niki's almost all ready for prom. we found the perfect dress on monday (better than the last dress we picked out). mom's making a couple alterations to make it cuter. hair and makeup appointments have been made. i gave her a complete manicure and pedicure today. why am i being so nice? cuz i'm always nice! no, not really. i'm being nice cuz i'm very proud of her. moving to atlanta in the middle of high school, changing four high schools, working hard to graduate with an international baccalaureate diploma, and being a generally good kid and maintaining her testimony through her teen years. and believe me, i've been on her case the whole time, usually even tougher than my mom. we've had many a yelling match, but it was worth it. and also because i have to miss her graduation cuz i'll be in toronto. i'll also have to miss ashish's graduation, unfortunately. they're both graduating a week apart from each other and i'm proud of both of them. i'm proud of ashish for stepping out and taking a risk and doing what he felt God wanted him to do even without everybody's approval. i don't say this often enough, but my siblings are pretty awesome. and i know that wherever life takes them, they'll do great things because they're great individuals and they serve a great God.

love you guys :)

beni (the bossy one)

Preparing to Disengage

1. the esther study ended after ten great weeks. i loved studying the book of esther. it was so perfect for my time and season in life. and beth moore was awesome.

2. started another study last week on "sharing Jesus without fear" which runs for four weeks. it has been convicting, reminding me of my purpose on the planet.

3. my brother did it first. my sister planned it out ahead of time. and me? late like always. well, i'm finally at that point where i know i have to do it. i've hesitated in the past, afraid of hurting people. but the truth is, the longer the i stay, the more i get hurt. i have to get out. disengage from this family and start my own family...even if it's a family of one (in fact, i'd prefer it). it will be difficult and people will be hurt and a struggle is to be expected. but this is it.

4. at least i know that i'll never be alone because my God is faithful.

To-Do List 2009

so i know it's not the time to be making new year's resolutions. but one chapter of my life is about to close and the next chapter is about to begin. so i think this is perfect junction to list a few things that i'd like to be working on over the next several months.

1. become financially independant. if not completely (because mom's paying tuition and fees), at least to a large degree (living, etc.). i've learned that the people who control your finances also control your life. so if i'm going to do my own thing, i've also got to pay my own way.

2. begin to establish a savings account. in the past, i've always saved up when there was something specific i was saving up for. but when no goal is in sight, i tend to be more liberal with my spending. and if there's anything i've learned, it is to have some money put away for a rainy day. so i have to start saving for nothing in particular, but just to save, so that when the road gets bumpy, i'll have something to fall back on.

3. find myself. i know i'm in here somewhere cuz feelings don't come out of nowhere but i've let myself get lost in the pretense of what folks expect me to be. i've had enough of playing at perfection. i just want to be me. crazy, foolish, determined...me.

4. get away. i'm hoping to be able to do this with toronto. to just live and not have to have my every move scrutinized. to let myself discover and experience without having to ask for permission. to not have to answer more questions about my life and what i'm doing or planning to do and when i'm getting married and whatever else they can think of.

5. stop feeling less than capable. i have to learn to expect a struggle and then teach myself to learn from that struggle rather than praying for smooth sailing. and when the road gets rough, remind myself that the Lord is on my side and He is faithful and strong enough even when i am unfaithful and weak.

Prom

for the last several weeks, we've been hunting for a decent prom dress for niki. and it has been a ridiculous affair! either it's not prom-ey enough or it doesn't fit right or it costs a fortune or her size isn't available or it looks hideous (we've seen everything from plucked chicken to vampire wear to bright barbie dresses). we did get a cute short party dress at a bargain a couple weeks ago but it's not really a "prom dress" but whatever, it looks good on her and she can have a good time in it so screw whatever prom fashion is. i've never regretted not attending my own prom. now i'm extra thankful. ball gowns are nice and all but you have to have this perfect figure to look good. either that or have it tailor made to suit you. her prom is this saturday and hair, make-up, nails, shoes, etc. are yet to be figured out. why do girls put themselves through this? well, i have to say, i'm proud of her for not letting all the craziness drag her down. there's no way i would've been able to handle the madness.

Doodling With Words

lying restless awake on this saturday night. too many thoughts in the pudding in my head. no room for sleep to make it's bed. from here to where i can hardly tell.

so i had this dream the other night. i was in mumbai. took a flight to the middle east and landed in this tiny airport with three pathetic airplanes. the flight went superfast and i didn't get anything to eat. but i got to ride in the cockpit of the airplane with the pilot. upon landing in the gulf, which looked surprisingly like mumbai, i bought myself tea and a bun. and asked the chai wala, "what place is this?" and he said, "this is taliban." i said, "this is taliban--how can that be?" and he said, "yes yes this is taliban!" from the looks of it, taliban was pretty small. there were only three houses and this chai shop where i was being enlightened.

weirdness aye?

All I'll Say

1. time doesn't heal that which isn't affected by time.

2. no one's an enemy.

3. i don't wish to rehash the recent events of my life or discuss any current leanings or feelings with anyone (so don't take it personally) but that includes you (so take it personally).

4. i'm not angry, just hurt.

5. i still love.

6. thank you all for your advice. i've learned plenty a hard lesson. if you feel like you need to furthur voice your opinion, i'll listen. don't ask for more.

7. bottom line: i don't want to talk about it.

Will Fly Again

So I always thought that family would be the people who were going to be there for you always, stick by you through thick and thin, wrestle through the difficult times, laugh through the joyful times, love you for who you are, and generally just be a support even when no one else in this world thinks you're worth supporting. This too, along with many other such notions that I conjured up in childhood, is mistaken. I never realized that family will only love and support in so far as you follow their prescribed plan and method of doing life. Why did it take me this long to find out? Because it took me this long to finally want to do my own thing. It's misleading when they say they love you, when they tell you that they trust you, when they urge you follow your dreams which in reality are their dreams. If you're lucky, your dreams will be similar to what they want for you. Otherwise, you've got a tough and lonely road ahead of you. The very people who love you to death can disown you in their next breath, so don't depend on anyone. And I say that in all seriousness without any exaggeration. It's one thing to say "Beni, we don't like the decision you're making, but we're here for you no matter what you choose." At least I can appreciate that. But saying "Beni, we don't like the decision you're making and therefore we deem you incapable of making decisions" is hurtful. I know you want to clip my wings so that I don't fly away, but they'll grow back, even if it takes months or years. And maybe I've lost my confidence and drive for now, but I'll regain it eventually in some measure. And one beautiful day, this handicapped bird will take flight, even if it means flying alone.

But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Take note: eagles fly alone.

Living

To live for the greatness of God is to live the great life.

...something from the Esther study a couple weeks ago.

Tying the Knot

What is the purpose of marriage? Ultimately the purpose of a marriage is to glorify God. But in a more temporal and personal sense, why should I choose to get married as opposed to remaining single? Because I need a man to take care of me? Bull. Because my family says I should? I'm sorry but I refuse. Because it's what people do? I'm not people. I'm me. Because it's provides security? My security is Christ. Because it's socially acceptable? Screw it. Because it's a beneficial social alliance? Maybe. But I could care less.

Abraham got Isaac a wife because God had promised that he would be a great nation so obviously Isaac had to marry at some point. Jacob fell in love with one, ended up with two, and proceeded to procreate as fast as he could. Joseph got a wife as a bonus with his position. David just kinda picked 'em up as he went along. Solomon went nuts. God told Hosea to choose a prostitute in order to make a statement. Noah had a wife though it doesn't tell us the circumstances of his marriage. Lot's wife wasn't very useful, except maybe for seasoning. The woman in the Song of Songs was desired by the king but conducting a love affair with her beloved shepherd. Aquila and Priscilla were the dynamic double team duo of the New Testment and they seemed more like work buddies rather than the traditional approach. Sure there are plenty of marriages in the Bible. Good ones, bad ones, failures and successes. But it still doesn't tell me why I should get married.

I think people get married depending on what they want or need in life. Some want a good looking spouse to ensure good looking kids. Some want a wealthy spouse to ensure financial security. Some want a spouse from a good family to ensure a lasting relationship. Some families push marriage to build a beneficial social alliance. Some just get married for the sake of getting married not really sure what to expect. And some just want the company. I'm not saying that these things are good or bad. I'm not making a judgement. I'm just trying to figure out where I stand (or fall) on the continuum of knot-tying.

I have to be honest here. I think people make marriage out to be something that it's not. And I'm not saying they don't mean well. Just that I disagree. Yes, marriage is important and marriage is for life. But so is getting a tattoo. Okay wait, I'm not attempting to belittle marriage. But I keep hearing about how marriage shouldn't be taken lightly. For heaven's sake, I know it shouldn't be taken lightly, but it also shouldn't be as burdensome as people often make it out to be. I mean, why the heck are there like eight hundred things to consider including social status, financial status, family background, spiritual level, education, job, the security they can offer, their height, their weight, their ethnic origin, denominational leanings, their citizenship, etc. What an exhaustive (and exhausting) list! Seriously, it makes me wonder why on earth God would institute something so incredibly complicated! And, maybe He didn't...

Maybe we're the ones making it all complicated and serious. Let us, for a moment, go back to Scripture:

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

I love this text. There is committment, love, sexuality, sensuality, exclusivity, acceptance, concern, companionship, etc. We find here all the concepts and ideas associated with marriage at the time of its institution. But why? Why does God even bother?

It is not good for man to be alone.

It's that simple. Why would I ever want to get married? Only if there was somebody out there that made life more worth living than if I was living it alone. God made Adam and God made Eve. When God brought Eve to Adam, I sure Adam's heart skipped a beat and he knew in an instant who the creature standing before him was. The Bible says nothing about whether she was taller or shorter or smarter or faster or richer. How did they know they were meant for each other? From the way Scripture makes it sound, I'd say perhaps it had a lot to do with that interesting little phenomenon we call...*drumroll please*...chemistry! Don't believe me? Just read the text again. I'm sure Adam was smitten the moment he laid eyes on her and I'm sure it was love at first sight for Eve. Imagine that, the first marriage initiated by chemistry. See, I really do believe that God knows what makes us feel good and He also knows what's good for us.

That's all I want to say about that for now.

The Curse of Obedience

Growing up, I'd hear over and over again about the blessings of obedience. From Exodus to Proverbs to Ephesians, we are commanded to obey. And if we obey the command, we are promised a blessing. Now, I'm not attempting to play devil's advocate, I'm only writing from my own experience. I was a kid not that long ago, doing my best to obey, hoping for a blessed life and to win the favor of God, the trust of my family, and the approval of others. But, I have to admit that I was an ignorant fool. And just in case there are others like me out there reading this, let me take a moment to warn you, not about the blessing, but about the curse of obedience.

The things I expected and mentioned above never took shape. The favor of God? God grants favor to whom He choses. You don't have to be perfect to recieve it. Lots of disobedient people have lived with the favor and blessing of God upon their life and they usually have a really awesome testimony to go with it. The trust of family? This is a myth. Such a thing will never happen. Trust itself is a myth unless we're talking about trusting the Lord. People, especially your family, will always fail you. And even if they say they trust you, I guarantee you, just do one thing they disapprove of (and I didn't say "wrong" thing, just something they don't like) and that so-called trust will fly right out the window. The approval of others? Seriously, don't bother. Ever seen a house of cards? Ever built a sand castle too close to the water? Don't build your house on the sand they say. Trying to win the approval of others is building your house on sand. First of all, it's useless. And second, it doesn't last.

Now, you may say, "You aren't supposed to obey just to get God's favor or family's trust or people's approval; but you'll still have that blessing that it promises..." Let me tell you about that blessing, or what I would call the curse of obedience, and you can decide whether or not you still want it. Let me preface this by saying that I'm not at the end of my life so I don't claim to be an authority on the matter and I guess it also depends on what kind of parents you have but once again, allow me to write from my experience.

First, when you're good all the time, people expect you to be perfect and you're held to a higher standard that your peers. Expectations are piled on top of you until you can't even take a breath to save your life. Remember that house of cards? There's always something that you have yet to do. And one wrong move can topple the whole thing over. You have to be a bright kid, then you have to get good grades, then you have to get involved in extracurriculars and excel at them, then you have to study hard in high school so you can get into a good university, then you have to pick a major with clout, then you have to do well in university so you can either go on to grad school or get a decent job, then you have to get married, then you have to have children. And when you can't meet those expectations, it really kills your confidence. For me, there were only one or two things I've ever really wanted in life and people always said, "Well, Beni, don't worry, once you do such-and-such, then no one will stop you from doing what you want." Only problem is, the such-and-such keeps reinventing itself and you're never free from that obligation.

Second, you find yourself isolated in most social situations. You won't find a whole lot of friends like you, the ones who stick to the rules. So you'll often be misunderstood even when you mean well. And if your parents are super strict, it's worse. You can't laugh at all the inside jokes because maybe you weren't allowed to hang with that crowd. You weren't allowed to see that tv show so it's difficult to enter into a conversation. Media is a huge social conditioning agent and when you're missing huge chunks of social markers that define your generation, it's difficult to relate. A social network is a support system. You build relationships by spending time with people and being able to connect at their level. And when making that connection becomes difficult or impossible, or if you aren't allowed to make that connection, life itself becomes hard.

Third, parents find it increasingly difficult to let you go. They've sheltered you for so long that putting you out into the world becomes more and more worrisome. It was hard for my parents to let me take the bus to school or go to a friend's house or choose how I dressed or wore my hair, but I obeyed and let them have their way. But now, with the big things in life, it's all the more difficult for them to let me go because I never helped them out along the way by disobeying and bursting the bubble of perfection. It's heartbreaking because I remember talking to other kids my age when they told me of their escapades, I'd always say "Well, I'm being obedient now so that later on, I know they'll trust me enough to let me make my own decisions." I know now what a load of bull that statement was.

Fourth, you just miss out on life, on being a kid, or being a teenager, on having those experiences that mature you and push you into adulthood. You never get to make those mistakes. You never really discover who you are and what you're made of because you're busy being what others (i.e. your family) think you should be. You're always worried about being good enough but no one is ever good enough, so in reality, you're grasping at shadows, trying to reach something unattainable. And every small failure, though it may be nothing, can be a huge blow to your confidence. When life is supposed to be carefree, you're carrying a heavy load. When you're supposed to be having fun, you're worried about getting dirty. You hold back out of fear and obligation and those moments eventually turn to hours, the hours turn to days, the days into months and years, and before you know it, your childhood is behind you and you realize you missed out on everything. And even if you did just throw caution aside for one short moment and do something personally fulfilling, the knowledge that you disobeyed sucks the enjoyment out of what should have been enjoyable.

See, growing up is for discovering yourself and the world around you, pushing the limits, experimenting. Don't make the mistake of trying to be obedient all the time. You can always ask for forgiveness, but permission is hard to get. Time is ticking and childhood is over before you know it. So don't waste it trying to be perfect. Make friends who are different from you. Go out on a limb and try something new. Stay out late and relish the moment. Sure you might get in trouble, but that's what being a kid is all about. It's not such a bad thing, embrace it. At least then, you'll have no regrets, no what-if's, and you won't have to feel like you missed out. In addition, it prepares your folks to loosen the reins and finally let you go when the time comes. Best of all, people don't expect so much out of you because you've already shattered their expectations. Then you're free to live, to make mistakes, to figure stuff out for yourself. That's true living.

It's been said before and I really think it's true: Rules are just guidelines, they're simply there to remind you to stay within reason. They're not absolute and the people who make them know that. For instance, if the speed limit is 25mph, nobody actually drives at 25mph. Sure they know that the rule is 25mph, but everybody will drive over the limit. And the cops don't pull you over the moment you hit 26mph. They stop you when they think you're getting dangerous. God doesn't expect us to be perfect. He knows that we're human and not god. He knows that we'll mess up sometimes and learn from those mess-ups. But you have to let the mess-ups happen before you can learn from them.

Amusements and Worries

1. so lately i've been amusing myself by playing card-jitsu on club penguin or biggest brain, word challenge, or geo challenge on facebook. amusement is a beautiful thing. and if i'm actually using my mind in the process, all the better.

2. i seriously need to exercise. no, not to lose weight, just to shape up after all my recent weight gain. but i've been lazy and i keep putting it off. maybe tomorrow?

3. found this bible reading plan on youversion.com which i've been following. it's pretty good cuz it takes you through the old testment once and the new testament twice in a year. and there are three different portions of manageable length so i've been able to keep up. it's cool cuz you can just go on the website and it links to the reading for that day and you can read it right on there and it takes maybe five or ten minutes.

4. there are some days i worry and fret over the move to toronto. am i ready to be by myself? will i be able to support myself? what if it ends up being a huge mistake? will i be able to adjust to not having the comforts of home? sure, i did have similar worries before i went to india but there was that feeling of "this is what God wants me to do" that overpowered all my fears and gave me strength to grit my teeth and make it work. toronto, on the other hand, is just a thing to do. not something i thought long and hard about and waited for years to make happen and i don't really have any clue whether it's what God wants, it's just what my mom said okay to. i know i have to be mature and take responsibility for my actions and pray about this stuff and not blame someone else if i'm not in the right place. but you know what, i tried the praying about it method and it didn't do me a whole lota good, only caused a whole bunch of sorrow and regret. so i'm gonna go with whatever mom's agreeing to at the moment. it's funny cuz it was just a passing remark i made to christine one day and i ended up actually looking into it just for the heck of it and now i'm almost there. crazy how life works. where's God in all this? maybe He's the invisible hand orchestrating all of it. i have no idea. i don't know what He does or doesn't want... i just pray that somehow, by His grace, with or without knowing it, i would be in His will and not wandering aimlessly, even though most of my life has felt like the latter.