Head in the Clouds

It’s a beautiful day on the east coast. The clouds are a beautiful bright cottony white just outside the window. Makes you want to fall into them and party with the angels. I’m on a US Airways flight somewhere in the skies between Charlotte and Toronto and my thoughts are about as scattered as the clouds I mentioned a couple seconds ago.

Toronto. A new beginning. A fresh start. A second chance—maybe not so much. Maybe I’m getting a little carried away. It’s definitely another chapter in my life, a new season, a step forward—okay getting carried away again. I’ll admit—saying goodbye wasn’t easy but I know this is something I have to do. It’s also overwhelming. I mean, this is me, finally moving out on my own! I’ve got such a tight grip on courage I fear I might choke it completely. When all else fails—and even before all else fails—God is faithful and His strength is mine. So I’m not going to be a wimp.

The flight attendants are coming through with drinks. Hmm…Sprite? Sprite it is.

On the flight from Atlanta to Charlotte, I had my phone on and I was taking pictures of the sky, the landing strip, the clouds. And the guy sitting behind me starts shouting at me. I didn’t realize it was me he was shouting at so he starts shaking my chair. No joke. He actually leaned over and started jerking it around. I was so startled and actually quite pissed off. He’s like, “Turn off your cell phone!” I smiled my best smile and replied, “You should probably calm down.” He’s still scolding, “You want to crash the plane and get us all killed?” More muttering, then he turns to his girlfriend (or wife?) and in a voice loud enough that I could still hear, he says “Retard!” Then he apologizes to the girl sitting next to him for yelling at me. Yeah! Nut job. First of all, my phone is on flight mode. Second, I don’t think he’d even consider doing that if I was a white girl. Third, it was just plain rude. Anyway, it’s such a beautiful morning up here in the clouds, I don’t want to spend my time being pissed off about all the losers that come my way.

My Sprite is still sitting here. Don’t really feel like drinking it.

So all in all, my trip has been pleasant. Both flights, I got to sit alone with no one beside me—made my day. No small talk. No strange smells. No bumping elbows. It was perfect. Sitting in solitude listening to the conversations taking place around me is almost therapeutic. The guy behind me apparently lived in New Delhi for ten years and Hong Kong for some period of time and now he lives in Canada; he also works on yachts for a living and makes frequent trips to Florida. The guy he’s been conversing with found tickets to Jamaica for $2 on Spirit Airline (plus taxes and fees obviously)—and no, I didn’t hear that wrong. The couple in the row across from me seems to be very much in love. And the two men in front have been chitchatting like two women this whole time. So yes, all is well in my world. There’s only one person I wish I could share this moment with but unfortunately it wouldn’t be allowed. Then again, if they were here with me, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this deliciously entertaining essay on time pass.

It seems we’re nearing Toronto. And I’ve been instructed to turn off my laptop.

Until next time,

Benita

Update

1. have a second blog. www.onedesi.wordpress.com

2. got twitter. username: onedesi

3. am leaving for toronto on april 30

4. school starts may 4

5. my God is faithful!

25

1. tuesday was my not very anticipated birthday. woke up to breakfast in bed courtesy of niki and mom, and went out to dinner with mom, niki, anisha and nitisha. after dinner, the girls slept over and we stayed up talking until 6am. had a heart to heart with niki which was good. in addition, it was probably the first time nitisha and i sat down and had a conversation. anisha and i had fun like always. i woke up with her sleeping next to me on my single bed.

2. i don't feel 25, i don't act 25, and i certainly don't look 25, but here i am 25 years old and it just doesn't feel real. sometimes i wish i could just change the date on my birth certificate. apart from the disturbing reality that my age doesn't fit my life, i was also feeling pretty low...i wasn't where i wanted to be, who i wanted to be, and with who i wanted to be with.

3. last year around this time i was in goa hanging out with the girls and boys. it was during this time that i made several life altering decisions including that i wanted to move to india and live and work there longterm. that arranged marriages just weren't going to be my cup of tea. that my being able to adjust to life over there was God's confirmation that He really had called me and it wasn't my imagination. and the ways in which He provided for me strengthened my faith to know that my life was in His hands and that He wouldn't let me fall.

4. in my opinion, i've also matured a lot this year, made several deep rooted realizations that influenced the decisions i made, including the ones mentioned above. it was a period of letting go of preconceived notions and constantly feeling the need to humble myself. i added the 'in my opinion' earlier because every step that i thought i was taking forward, everyone else saw as a step backward. and even though it feels right now like the dream that i was fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of, has faded into the background, i believe that God is still at work and i still hope.

Random Ranting

this is unfinished, unedited, and relatively incoherent...but whatever, read it if you want to...otherwise, occupy yourself elsewhere...

okay, to all the die hard slumdog fans out there--sorry. but i keep thinking about this movie and all the critical acclaim it has received and somehow i just can't seem to process. i think that this movie makes the situation seem a lot less complicated than it really is and there's something disconnected about it. and i'm not complaining that it paints an unreal picture of mumbai, because many people do live at that level of poverty, if not worse. and to indians complaining that it sheds a bad light on india by painting it as a third world country, i say--tough! take it as incentive to address the problem rather than ignoring what is. but the ending of the movie is unrealistic. there is a very obvious disconnect between the younger versions of jamal malik and the older jamal who goes on millionaire. that sort of transition is a lot to swallow. the confidence, security, calm and composure he displays is usually the result of experiences he couldn't possibly have had. i'm not suggesting that kids who grew up in slums cannot get ahead in life, i'm just saying that it takes a lot of work, usually an amount bordering on supernatural, to bring about that kind of turnaround in one's life. and people who don't fully understand the reality and nuances of the situation try to fix it in ways that may be more damaging in the long run. massive fundraising campaigns have taken place as a result of this movie. and the problem that arises is that westerners will continue to think that throwing money at the problem will fix it. then they can feel good about themselves because they've "done their part". and indians turn a blind eye because they know that the job is far too overwhelming, then they feel indignant that westerners make such a big deal about it. the movie touched american consciences because it's really an american dream kind of story where an underdog overcomes overwhelming odds to realize his dream. if the movie was set in america, i might be more inclined to believe it. instead, in this case, i would argue that this is opposite of how indians view the world in that your birth determines everything that matters in life from the kind of job one can hold to the kind of person one can marry. tradition overrules just about everything. i do think things are changing but it'll be a while. in addition, i keep wanting to ask the question: would this movie (as is) have received so many oscars had an indian directed it? then again, the india portrayed in the movie is the view of a outsider looking in rather than an indian telling the story. and if it were an indian telling the story, it would probably have been told in a very different way and maybe not garnered as much attention on the international scene. part of the reason it resonated, i think, was because what's his face told the story from the outsider's point of view and so outsiders can easily identify and sympathize. anyways, all those points aside, one final thought: if india is going to see change, it will have to start with indians, not westerners. yes, we thank them for bringing the gospel to india, but their bringing the gospel doesn't give them the monopoly on morality and ethics.

well...anyways...after all, i guess it's just a movie and maybe i should put my annoyances aside. knowing me, though, i don't think that's possible...

John 10:29-31

Jesus said, "Mark my words, no one who sacrifices house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, land—whatever—because of me and the Message will lose out. They'll get it all back, but multiplied many times in homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and land—but also in troubles. And then the bonus of eternal life! This is once again the Great Reversal: Many who are first will end up last, and the last first."

Slumdog Pissed

so I'm having this battle...on one hand, with society, and on the other,with myself. i just finished watching slumdog millionaire for the second time with my mom. each time i watch that movie, i get emotional, and if you know me, this doesn't generally happen. but it's not because the movie is great that i get emotional. the tears come when i think of those kids and the time i spent in mumbai and coming to terms with the reality that is their lives and how hopeless it is (from a natural point of view...of course i honestly believe that with Jesus, nothing is impossible). i read recently that a couple of the kids who played the main roles in the movie were back in the slums and it really pissed me off but i wasn't at all surprised. apparently that's been changed due to an international public outcry, but only time will tell how genuine of a change that really is. the point is--well actually i've got about a hundred points to make, but here's one to start--poverty is a mindset. giving them money and a roof over their head may be a start, but it's nowhere close to addressing the underlying issue. having spent time working with kids pulled out of a slum as well as working with kids living in the slums, it takes a far more than a few material goods to change a mindset and bring about success. i'd be interested in knowing, ten years from now, where those kids are. and not to be a pessimist, but the way things are, i doubt there's going to be a whole lot of change. when there is a whole lot of hype, everybody's wants to serve the cause and be a hero. when the hype dies out and it comes down to doing the difficult work, there's hardly a soul left standing. because real life isn't like the movies. real life is tough. and real life in the slums of india are tougher still. and real success doesn't happen overnight. real success takes blood, sweat and tears, and an investment on your part. and while many people are ready to work for their own success, not many will step up to work for another's success. and just as a sidenote, today i was watching the E! channel and found out that frieda pinto's clutch at the oscars cost some $6500. some of the other ladies' cluthes in the hundreds of thousands. now, i'm not saying that they're bad people or anything of the sort. but having looked into the faces of children begging for their next meal, i can't help but think about how many thousands of children could have been taken care of with that amount of money. another sidenote, i babysit two wonderful kids and everytime i go over there, i can't help but think to myself that these two kids have enough toys and gadgets in their possession to furnish an orphanage of fifty. once again, i'm not saying they're bad people. but it just breaks my heart to see it. but then that brings me to my next point, even if money were donated towards this cause, (and post-slumdog, a lot of people have donated towards the slum situation), will it really help or will the money get lost in overhead costs and bureaucracy? just today, i received a newsletter from one of the organizations i had a chance to work with. i've been looking forward to getting this newsletter for the last month or so and was so excited when the email arrived. but i went to the website to read it and was disappointed to find photos that could be three years old, if not more. they have one dated case study/success story about a girl i personally spent time with. it talks about how her life has been changed because of this organization and that she's doing wonderful and yadda yadda, when in reality, last i heard, she ran away. the pictures and stories paint this rosy picture of what doesn't exist and it brings in the dough. and i ask, where the hell is all the money going? and truth be told, it's the honest organizations that are making a real difference who don't get the largescale funding. and there are a hundred additional things i can sit here and complain about and get depressed over. the other side of the issue is the question of whether the methods used to address the problems of poverty and homelessness are actually effective or they're just offering a temporary solution. i mean, if you saw someone bleeding profusely, would you offer them a bandaid or two and hope for the best? of course not! maybe these organizations mean well, but you have to admit that something somewhere is seriously flawed. so anyways, i was discussing these things with mom and she goes into this spiel on how things won't change and how i could have been doing so much more if i were married and how people would respect me more if i had a respectable man in my life and how i'm being rebellious and that i'll end up like my great aunt who was a lot like me and now she's old and everybody thinks she's wasted her life. having said all of that, the other battle i'm having is with myself. i'm getting comfortable here and it scares me. i like my bed, my room, shopping, eating, and everything else. life in north america is luxury. and every day i wake up and it becomes harder and harder to think that one day i want to give it all up. i mean, do i really want to do this? but the truth is, i don't think i'll ever be truly happy living like this. and yet, do i have what it takes to tough it out when i've grown up with everything i could ever want? and let's face it, 'the best of both worlds' doesn't really exist when it comes to the stark realities of life. i honestly believe in identifying with the people whom God has called you to serve. Jesus didn't just proclaim the message from heaven, He came down to earth and became one of us.

you know what, there are a few things i've made up my mind about:

1. if people cannot respect me for the woman that God made me to be and can only respect me after i have a guy they prescribe in my life, screw it, i don't need such superficial 'respect'. i may be a woman, but God is God. He can use women, men, angels, donkeys, or even the weather to accomplish His purpose.

2. i don't want to depend on anybody or their money to do the work that God has called me to, by the grace of God, i'll work as hard as i possibly can and trust that the Lord will multiply my little to feed the multitudes. and whether i'm rich or poor, it is my aim to live a modest life. should God bless me, it will be a blessing to others.

3. i may not change the entire system in my lifetime, but each and every day that God gives me on this planet, i will do everything in my power to raise the standard as far as how christian organizations do social work. sometimes i think as christians we rely on feelgood rhetoric in place of real results, on using spirituality as a crutch to pretend that what we don't want to see doesn't exist, on 'i'll pray about it' when we should be saying 'let's do something about this'.

4. i will be who i am and i'll figure out this life on my own terms. i need to quit comparing myself to others and trying to step into someone else's shoes. i have to let myself be myself--the person God created me to be. controversial if that. radical if that. unconventional if that.

i have to start being the change i want to see.